Pleasure

I had a pretty big breakthrough last night.

Master came round again, and we repeated the other night's hugging, several hours, assisted by just a little 'herbal remedy' to take me past mind and into bodily feeling. It is very, very useful. What happened is I felt the energy from him seeping into me, taking me over. Immense pleasure.

I realized that I had been withholding all my sexual energy around him, as he's not 'my type', and reminds me of my Dad. A lot. I have never had any sexual desire for him, ever. He is older, a little overweight, etc. It always felt somewhat 'icky' to go there, even.
But last night, I realized what a lot of women say, that it is not about the other person! I have always made it about the other person. Am I attracted to this person? Rather than can I feel pleasure?
It is not about mind, but about the body, about feeling. Despite what I am thinking about feeling, what am I actually feeling? Really, when I feel into that one, I have felt sexual energy for the most unlikely and taboo of people, people that I really would rather not have felt anything for, and it was always very uncomfortable. So I learned to shut it all down. I don't think you can shut down just a part of it, if you shut it down, it all shuts down. And if you open it all back up, it all opens back up again.
For a while there, Master became Stewart, too, the guy a few posts down, my first serious love. And then there was no difference between them, no time even, 22 years vanished, and there was only love there, where it had always been.

I guess I felt safe enough with Master last night, no threat, didn't feel like he wanted to have sex with me or was going to force himself on me, if I felt anything. And that's key. I don't think I've ever had a close male relationship and not felt that pressure, that energy from them. And it's always been a problem.
I have never wanted some of my male friends to feel that for me, and they have, and it's got weird and uncomfortable, really quickly, because of that subconscious 'Dad', and I have shut that energy down so often, that I have forgotten bodily how to just let it loose. And that gets complicated when you love somebody. You can't always say no, even if you really want to.

It's like Rajneesh always said, 'Kick your parents out of bed!'. He meant that literally.

I also felt last night what my Beloved over at Midnight Chamber has always said to me, that I could have had any man I want, if I am really in my 'power' as a sexual being. Last night I really felt the truth of that. Not that I am some especially physically attractive person, but that if I allowed that energy to really flow, the bliss, the ecstasy, then who wouldn't feel it if I turned my attention on them? Wow..

I have spent a life settling for less, settling for whoever would have me, basically, because I felt so unlovable, so unattractive, so needy. Not that Husband is second best, that's not what I mean, but in the past, I have always just ended up with whoever would have me. The first vaguely attractive guy that came along and put up with me. Well, what bullshit that is!!
As Master keeps repeating, I have seriously undervalued myself.

I can feel how that whole thing with A was the perfect set-up, too.

I finally felt this crisis in feeling break last night, after a week and a half of hell. I don't need Husband. I have never needed anybody else, to feel such pleasure and bliss, despite spending a lifetime thinking I did. And, the stupid thing is, that neediness stops the feeling of sexual ecstasy and pleasure from flowing, stops the very thing I always felt I desperately needed!
So now, I can be free to love him or not. I am freer to explore what I really feel for him, if I really do want to be with him or not. If that form of our relationship needs to die, or if we can still be lovers.
Thankfully, Husband is right there with me on this one, and had that breakthrough a few days ago. He let go before I did. What a gift.. It felt like the ultimate insult at the time, to hear him say it, and it broke my heart, but... It's true. We no longer need each other. What happens from here is anybody's guess.