The One.

What would it look like if I didn't sell myself short all the time? If I wasn't collapsed in feeling? I suspect my life would look very different.

I watched the Matrix last night, I was due. I love that movie, it contains many powerful truths, and the more you watch it, the more you see of that. I've seen it maybe 5 times now.

Master has put me on a fast from Husband. It's working. I'm getting it. No Husband, no cat, no house, no sangha for consolation.

I have been devastated, panicked, terrified, all kinds of shit has come up. Anger, fear, doubt, loneliness, sadness like you wouldn't believe.

BUT I realized this morning, I am The One. Not in any big mysterious way, just that simply put, I have always waited for an 'other' to come fix my life for me, make my decisions, etc, and have always sold myself way short. Disempowered myself. Empowered the 'other'.

What IF there is no 'God' to come fix me. No Husband to come fix me. No other that can ever give me what I feel I need. What IF, I can only find that in myself.
What IF all my lifelong 'beliefs' in God are false, and my identity as a 'spiritual' person, etc, and are all just the same old shit as my belief that my Dad or any 'male other' will ever come fix things for me. I could be waiting a long time. I have been waiting a long time. No male other has really ever done me any huge favours, when I look back at my life. They've all fallen slightly short, in one way or another. Much as I love them all, they can never give me what I can give myself.

Fuck that. Fuck mind and all it's bullshit. I am bored with it.

I am an amazing, powerful, magical Being, and I can find and feel that in myself now. Don't need an 'other' to fix me. Or any belief systems, or men, or whatever. I am free as I am. I FEEL that.
I am done trying to figure that out, trying to believe it and understand it. Feeling it is where it's at.

Master is a genius, and nobody can text faster than he can! I got about 40 texts on the way to work this morning. lol
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I sent this as an email to Master, here's his response.

Beautiful my Beloved. Great confession of Awakening. You are more than beautiful to me. I hope that you will allow yourself to feel the Heart Breaking Love I have for you.