Trying to feel

Here's what I wrote to Master this morning after sitting with him again last night, at Husband's house (which was a little tough, but bearable).

***

Last night was very pleasurable, and there was not much fear or anger or sadness arising in the body. The front of my body just opened up literally like a book, and there was at one point towards the end of Darshan, a lot of light entering me. At one point there was a feeling of bliss in my stomach, kind of like when you go over a rollercoaster. The pressure in the head from the spiritual energy descending was pretty continuous, and again was out of my control whether I felt it or not.

I have spent the last few days actually trying to feel my own body, and feel into the pleasurableness of being in a body, something totally new to me! All kinds of random feelings of pleasure are arising during the day, too, and I can feel how totally out of relationship I have been with physical pleasure, and my own body, and how shut down it’s been.

***

Truly. Am am feeling on a whole new level. Master is a fucking genius. It has felt like total death this last week, I have been in so much pain, fear, sadness, panic, abandonment, anger, you name it. I even thought about taking sleeping pills the other day. I was glad I didn't have any in the house, I might have done it. Maybe not, but I came closest I've been in a long time to thinking along those lines.

But facing this emotional crisis has been totally worth it. I am capable of real feeling now, of real pleasure. I feel like I am actually awakening, at last. Bodily. I get that awakening is more than some mental realization about something, it's also the capacity to freely feel emotion and sensation.

Oh, and I am also totally crushing on the UPS guy again, must be that time of the month approaching. Must pay attention to the fact that my hormones are making me a little crazy again. I think it's all this pleasure in the body now, I want to experience more of it! Take this new body for a test-run. ;-)

Seriously, how does me make those ugly brown UPS shorts look sexy??

It's not a problem though, and that's the key. It was a problem before, I had to make something out of it, now I am just happy to feel it, it feels good! Nothing has to happen. My pussy has been continually wet these last few days.

As for Husband, I am actually ok with things how they are, to my great surprise. I am not missing him so much, today at least. I am missing my cat a lot though. I saw her for 10 minutes last night, not nearly long enough. I miss the all night 8 hour cuddles. Sigh..