Well, never tell the world that something is guaranteed, especially when it comes to Awakening.
This has been the week from HELL. I can't tell you the things that are happening. Husband and I are meeting tonight, to discuss the direction our relationship will take. Feels pretty final to me. Master has said we're both too ambiguous about it, and has banned us both from sitting with him until we can get our shit together. Husband has always been monk-like. Maybe it's his time to get off the fence here.
And then there's my Beloved Kitty. She has been scheduled for departure in a few days time. I can't bear that. My heart is totally, utterly broken. I spent the weekend at the house, snuggled up with her, trying desperately not to loose my mind with grief.
Master has moved out of the house, until it feels more right for him to be there. I guess the good thing about that, is that perhaps now I can spend some more time with my Kitty before she goes on her way.
Had a lot of realizations about my immense fear of her death, all related to my own sense of abandonment by God, and parents, when I was a small child. Kitty I have always seen as fragile, small, in need of protection and cotton wool. Perhaps she's not. It's like the inner voice I heard last night said, 'What God wouldn't take care of a kitty?' Indeed.
Nobody ever took all that great care of me. So by extension, I am afraid for her. Terrified. Devastated. Freaked the fuck out. Until I remember my terror is projection onto her of my own fears.
Kitty is ready to go. I have been in denial about that. She has been my best friend all these years when I have lived so far from home. I don't make new friends easily sometimes, not close ones. She's been all I had, for much of the last decade.
I am being stripped of any and all consolation. There really isn't much left, at this point. Family, thousands of miles away. Husband given over to spiritual life, (probably going to ask for divorce), kitty dying.
I know well what this process is, it's been so well documented in the lives of all those who have awakened, throughout history. If you read any of the lives of anybody who went through this ordeal, it's been just that, an ordeal. And it hurts like a motherfucker.
My body has been burning up with all the emotion, heat, stress. 'Tapas', it's called, in Hinduism. I am exhausted. I am in the Fire.
A wise man once said that it's best to never start the spiritual life, as it can chew you up and spit you out. I didn't have a choice. Not really. Best keep going, I guess.
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