Victim

There's a reason Master is called 'master'.

Last night was amazing. He was fierce with me, didn't pull any punches, at ALL, but it worked. I finally saw it.

I am playing victim.

My life has fucked up, and I'm busy blaming everybody else but myself. Master, Husband, A, my mother, you name it. I've been playing their victim, believing I had no choice in what 'happened' to me.
I am the one who has the free choice in how I play things, how I respond, and am the one responsible for how my life is going at the moment. My choices led to my marriage break-up, and moving out, etc. I pursued A, I told Husband about it. Everything was going ok up until I made those choices.
Painful to feel, but very necessary.

Who wants to do that, who wants to ever take perfect responsibility for their own lives in that way? What a gift.

I have also been seeing Husband in a clearer light, and rethinking whether I do in fact still want to be in a relationship with him. Perhaps I don't, and perhaps it's ok to let it go, and stop pretending like it's such a good thing, when it ain't. SO much would need healing, so much I couldn't see and was in denial about! I tend to idealize the men in my life, and be totally blind to their bullshit. Feeling that 'Dad' isn't perfect is too scary and painful, so I've managed to create a mythology about the relationship, because I couldn't face the possibility of that non-perfection.

Master said that IF we're to get back into it, then we have to start from the ground up, and then maybe we have the potential for what he described as 'yogic intimacy', or true Tantra. He said he feels we have that potential, and that is where Husband would like this to go, (which was nice to hear), but we have to utterly let go, first. And in letting go, perhaps, we can be lovers. Husband has been one step ahead, and I couldn't see that. I just felt abandoned and unloved. Which is absurd, as I did the abandoning, when I fucked A last summer.

But I am fast wondering if indeed I want that.
And that's the point. I am prepared to let go of Husband now. I wasn't. That feels good.

I also had the huge personal revelation yesterday that I could also never speak to my mum again. I wouldn't be arrested, it's not a crime, it's not illegal, I don't have to stay in relationship with her, just because she's my mum. Wow. I could never talk to her again. That would be so freeing!

But, I love her, so I will. But just knowing I don't HAVE to is pretty awesome. That was one of those 'Doh!' moments, when the lightbulb finally goes on, and you see the totally fucking obvious.. That's a big taboo though, isn't it? Abandoning your own mother?

She's a pretty fucked up character, and not healthy to be around. She is the epitome of victimhood. I had a good teacher. The best. I am done with that lesson. She is not.

And I need better company.

If I am to find my own sexual and emotional freedom and responsibility, I feel like I've found the first steps finally.