Celibacy

I found Harpocrates in my teabags today. A little chubby figurine in the box, in the magickal gesture of Silence.
I think it's actually Cupid, but close enough. He's the instigator of erotic love, after all.

Going through Big Things today, big feelings that I can't quite articulate. I am feeling this massive uprush of impatience, and the need to be free.
It surfaced when I went for a walk at lunch time, and noticed that almost every guy that drove past me was checking me out. It was like the whole of existence was configured around the sexual urge, and I wanted to be free of the limitation of it, and the need of it.
I love sex, I am not some sex-negative prude, but I just in that moment felt the profound limitation of the urge to seek for an 'other', and not take responsibility for my own energy and feeling. I don't know how to put it, but in that moment, I had to let myself feel the possibility of a life of celibacy.
I at least recognize the deep need in me for a period of fasting from sex with other people. I don't feel it would do me ANY good right now to have any kind of sex with somebody else. And of course, like any addict, I want just one more hit. But, I really have to stand my ground on this one. See this process through. Even if S chats with me on MSN.

It goes back to that evening with Master when I felt tremendous freedom and ecstasy that went beyond ANY sexual experience I've ever had. It was like my entire lower body opened up and became SO pleasurable, so ecstatic, I don't know how to get into words what that feeling was, and so 'ordinary' sexuality is an immense sacrifice and limitation in feeling, compared to it. If I was feeling that level of feeling, giving up ordinary sex for it would be nothing.

I wrote Master some verbal about it, I don't how much sense I made, and I don't know how he'll respond, but I just couldn't hold it in. I just felt such an immense urge to be free of the realms of ordinary sexuality and boy-girl bullshit, and really find what that place was that I was in, in Master's company that night.
Not that I've ever taken heroin, but I can imagine that's the sexual equivalent. Nothing like the ordinariness of regular life. Not even in its very best moments.

And I feel it all ties in with mother. I am going through this thing where I really recognize the need to stay away from her, and my symbiotic relationship with her. I really need to outgrow what I am starting to finally see as a very unhealthy pattern of vampirism and need and clinging. I have been feeling the abuse of her manipulation of me all these years. Paradoxically, as I start to really understand the nature of being a victim, and what is required to free myself of that, too. I have always played my part in that pattern and I just can't continue with it. I am absolutely as much to blame as she is. Same as there are other things in my life that I just can't continue with any longer. It's all related, of course. I learned to use sex as a way to manipulate others, and that's where the damage has been done. It's not free, it's not love, it's not an utterly ecstatic form of communion, it's manipulation and weakness, in the form that it comes in in my own life.

It's all the headlong rush towards freedom, as one thing gets released, it adds fuel to the next and the process is speeding up.

It's all fuel for the alchemical fire, ultimately. But I realized, I am willing to sacrifice sex with an 'other' in my quest for Enlightenment if that is what is required of me. If that is what is required to feel that utter ecstasy that I have been tasting lately. I want nothing less than that.

I know conventionally speaking, celibacy is a poor excuse for not getting laid. I know if Ashton Kutcher or Joaquin Phoenix bought me a few drinks, it would be a different story, but for now at least, I have to go with this one, because when left to myself and my own judgment, I don't know what way up or down is. Being newly single is like letting me raid the candy store, and I have to be very, very careful.

I realize how idealistic and unrealistic that all sounds. And it very probably is, but I feel like I need to allow something to happen here, and pay attention to what I'm seeing and feeling.

I at least have to let the possibility surface. And I think that's the key.