Garbage

Well, Master kicked my ass over the whole celibacy thing, so I guess that's not for me. At least, not permanently. Thankfully. It is, for now, until I heal up some of those wounds though... That's a relief. I think I just had to let myself consider it and see what came up.

Fuck, I just feel so complicated. It's like my perception of myself has changed so radically lately, and all I am capable of seeing of myself is my complication and fears. I am too much in my own head.
And I can't tangle myself up with any poor unsuspecting guy who comes along, it would not be fair. And neither would I wish to get tangled up in their bullshit, either, come to that!! The more I see of my own, the more I see of other people's and want less and less to do with it.
I wish I was the kind of person that could do casual sex with no strings, but I just am not and have to accept that about myself. It's just how I am wired at the moment.

But, there's the human need I have, to be touched, to have company and human contact, to get laid, and all the rest. That I am having a hard time with sometimes.

I just can't involve my mind too much in it all, and need to have a little more faith, and see the bigger picture. I find that hard, to keep on stepping back, when I have all these feelings bubble up to the surface in the moment.

I was lying semi-awake all night, unable to switch my mind off, half dreaming about my coworker, the one that asked me out on the date a few weeks ago. Most of the time I'm ok, doing better and better, but I got a bit lonely last night. I miss Husband, too. We went out for a quick walk together with another friend of ours a few nights ago, which was really nice. :-)

Master just sent me this one line in an email, which is very timely. And also very true.

"It is all garbage. There is ONLY GOD. Everything is bullshit. Allow yourself to feel the depth of that."