Liar

I got a beautiful email from Master last night, saying that he felt that Husband and I were capable of a deeper relationship once we had been thoroughly broken of the dependent bullshit we've been doing these last x years, and that I was showing signs of finally having some kind of spiritual maturity. That was so good to read. I do love Husband, and I am willing for that to be the case.

Try explaining that one to all our friends and relatives, who really aren't in any way able to judge from anything other than a conventional point of view. Yes, we've split up, but we're back together, split up again, now we're once again in a relationship, but it doesn't look like yours does. All the standard well-meaning advice and the 'well, I never did think he was right for you' comments start flooding in. Seriously. I've had some painful comments. I don't think people realize I still actually LOVE Husband, and we didn't split because of not loving each other. So to hear what people apparently 'really' think is hard! Perhaps they're trying to make me feel better about things, but to badmouth somebody I love so much does not help.

To hell with all that, I only want to be with him if we can truly manage to LOVE each other, not do all that conventional bullshit and social expectation crap. So I'm not saying a word to anybody else just yet. We'll see. It's not a done deal in either direction. Just a possibility, but one I'm happy about.
I replied to Master that I'm not sure I'm ready yet, but getting there. I am not sure that I wouldn't just fall back into our pattern, and then all this would have been for nothing. I can't risk that, until I know for sure, one way or the other that I really am ready.

I have learned so many lessons this last year about love. And about myself, and my inability to feel it and live it in any real sense. I have seen so much of ego, and what I do when threatened, how superficial and promiscuous I can be, (and I don't mean that from any moral stance!), how easily distracted and swayed I can be, by other people. How self-protective and defensive I can be, and how easily I can abandon people I love at the drop of a hat, and how easily I am seduced by pretty boy-toys.
It's been a hard year in terms of gaining self-understanding, and seeing what ego is, and how it functions. If we're honest, we're all that shallow and unloving at times, aren't we? When we're really up against it, we're only in this life for number one. I am a Cynic at heart, I realize. I have very little faith in myself or other people, not to betray or abandon. Unless they have a real spiritual understanding and practice, and relationship with what is greater.

Here's one of my all-time favourite tracks, Henry Rollins, Liar, from the album Weight. Ego is always untrustable. Henry has the whole thing totally pegged, as far as I'm concerned. I am that liar. We all are.