Risk

Just had lunch with my favourite boss. He came and joined me when he ran into me in the restaurant I was in. I like my boss, don't get me wrong, he's cute, too, come to that. But he's Christian. Bless. I got the family values lecture about how him and his wife have been together 25 years now, and they've always worked out their problems, and he doesn't like that Husband abandoned me.
Well, I didn't have the heart to tell him I'm in this apparent mess because I couldn't keep my pants on, basically. I mean, if that whole thing with A hadn't happened, we wouldn't be here, would we?

So, I sat, listened, and tried to explain that I love Husband, and because of that love, we didn't want to be just 'room mates' any more, and wanted to take things to another level than just accepting life as it was, and living half-assed and bored and on autopilot for the rest of our days. And that we wanted to grow, spiritually. I think he felt that one, he said that him and his wife are room mates, but he's 'hanging in there'. Shit, I love my boss, it was sad to see the hard life he's had written all over his face. His wife is a bit of a ball buster.

That's the fucking trouble, isn't it? 'Hanging in there'? Who the hell wants to do that? Hanging in there, and then what, waiting to drop dead? Shit man, take a risk. Grow some balls. His heart is in the right place, even if his balls aren't too big. It's funny, our other boss says that about him sometimes. ;-)

When I was in the restaurant, I noticed before my boss arrived, that this cuteish young guy moved tables and came and sat on the table next to mine. Might have had NOTHING to do with me, but I'd like to think that it was me, he didn't have another more apparent reason to move. Oh, come on, let me indulge that one for a moment. Maybe I really am a cougar.

I jumped on the scales last night, after rescuing them from Husband's house, and I've gained more weight. Shouldn't have done that. I'm now 130lbs. That's 9st 4 in England. I feel like a whale. Boss said he thinks I look better with a bit of weight on. His eyes weren't looking at my face when he said that, I don't think he realized. I had to laugh. There are a pair of balls there that he might well grow into one day. I hope so. Please, beloved boss, don't live your life half-assed.

I am getting such clarity lately about my patterns, I had to email my mother the other day to ask her to stop shit-talking my dad so much. She sent me back an email to say that she had had a wake up call, and had seen what she had been doing, thankfully. It was a sweet email, but I still don't buy her bullshit. Proof is in the pudding. If she doesn't shit talk anybody for a month, I will believe her. I feel like she just wanted me to write back and tell her it was all ok. I didn't. It isn't. She has been a crap mother, and a total cunt at times. She needs to feel that. She is another one who's never taken a risk in her whole fucking chickenshit life.

I am starting to see how strong I am becoming, how much I am willing to risk for the sake of liberation. It's true that I haven't consciously jumped off the cliff myself every time, and may have even gone kicking and screaming a few times recently, but I sure have been the one that has always landed on my feet ok and didn't collapse into years of self-pity and mediocrity and 'hanging in there'. And that's worth remembering.