I had another 'chat' with S this morning. He is so dirty, I love it. :D
Went to pick up the keys for my new place on Saturday, and spent an hour and a half hanging out with my new landlord, signing papers. I'm sure it only really needed to take 1/2 hour. He is pretty cute! I have to say it. (and talkative! I suspect he's a Gemini, he looks like one, too, about 5' 8", dark hair, blue eyes, nice wiry build). 40, fit, unmarried. I know that much, don't know if he's 'single', though he has 2 teenagers. I think I told him enough times I was single and mentioned my divorce. Hope I didn't come off as desperate, I was perhaps none too subtle about that. Hhmm..
It was hot as hell here this weekend, in the upper 90's, and he was all sweaty, in a nice way. Very sexy. He smelled good, very slightly of alcohol, I find that a turn on.
I am not cut out for monogamy. I am finally realizing that. Some people I know would say that was pretty fucking damn obvious, but we're always the last to see it, aren't we? I think it's not so much the not realizing that, but the not realizing how to make it happen, and how to get past my own patterns and conditioning, which all says I 'should' be!
Urgh, I have such double standards. I am far too hard on myself, and have very unrealistic expectations about myself.
I had a crucial breakthrough this weekend. I actually started loving myself. I had my hand on my ankle, it was giving me a little pain, when suddenly I was overcome by this feeling of immense compassion for myself. I have never felt anything like that in my life before. I just started loving my body. Thinking about it, how can you possibly love other people if you don't love yourself and your own body?
Years and years some friends have spent with me, trying to get me to see and feel that. It's been a long time coming.
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