I am terrified. I mean, really scared. I have a date with coworker. I mean, a 'real' 'date' date. Next week. We went to lunch today, and when we got back into the car, he went all silent and serious for a minute, then asked me, 'I have a question for you, do you want to go on a date with me, I mean a real date, you know, a 'date' date.' I said yes.
Nervous tension.. Wow, you should have felt the energy in the car. We drove back to the office in virtual silence, both of us a bit to shocked, I think, to talk much.
I am such an idiot. It's just a date, right? What's the big freakin' deal?
I realized last night that what I'm scared of is really feeling anything. I spend so much of my life numbed out,trying to avoid it in various ways.
Last night with Master, I had a moment of realizing that what I am really scared of by the thought of sex right now, is actually FEELING something. I remembered the first orgasm I ever had, it was SO intense, I was about 3, and had discovered that 'down there' was pleasurable, and suddenly there was this big intense and overwhelming rush of feeling and pleasure, and it scared me! I didn't know what was happening, and I remember being afraid that I was somehow not normal.
I guess this week, the instances of total bliss I have felt in my body when I was with Master is the same thing. Interesting that this should come up now. Nothing is unrelated. This realization feels like a Big Deal. Sex is a HUGE part of conducting spiritual energy in the body. 'Ordinary' sex has been felt by me before now to be a limitation on feeling the spirit current move freely. If that energy is really allowed to flow, it is felt as a whole bodily thing, not just localized to the genitals. I mean, wouldn't you want an orgasm in your whole body???
People accept second best. I did, for most of my life. I am starting to feel that I need to move past that now though, and move into whole bodily feeling and pleasure.
So I wrote to Master. I told him that part, but not the part about the date. We'll just take that as it comes. I am a bit wary of dating somebody in the office, and MORE than a bit wary of my tendencies and patterns and emotional complications. (And yes, scared Master will nix it. I don't want 'dad' to take away my fun! But that's just a fear, MY fear, Master never does what I might expect or predict.) It's only a date, right? What's the big deal? I think that needs to be my mantra for the next while. KISS. Keep It Simple, Stupid.
Couldn't resist telling 3 of my gfs in the office. Uh oh. I dunno, I think I just had to confirm the reality of it.
It's an awesome moment, isn't it, when you first find out the person you'd like to fuck wants to fuck you, too? Delicious.. Like a giant rollercoaster when your stomach flips over, only it takes your pussy with it.
Mars and Venus are conjunct very near my Uranus today. Interesting. (Gosh, that sounds somewhat rude!)
Was idly wondering how coworker would deal with a little kink, too.. But I think I just have to get through the regular stuff first!
There's also the fear that I will freak him out. I am a strong woman, with a lot of energy, and sometimes guys feel that and it freaks them out, I have had that happen several times in the past. Look what happened with A! He ran away as soon as things got out of his comfort zone. The first mention of some kink, and he was off like a shot! That really upset me.
I guess I just have to take that risk again.
Ahem. To change the subject, this is hilarious. What would a Facebook page for historical people look like?
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