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Who is the "I" that is living me?

That title comes from the question Gurdjieff used to ask his students to ask themselves always.
I wrote this stuff below last night, and I didn't hit publish, because I had such a sense of the split in myself, between, for want of a better terminology, my ego and my "higher self". It's becoming very apparent lately. I am not always sure which "I" is the one in charge.  I wanted to publish it, but putting it in that context makes it more acceptable somehow. At least to me.

Friday night I had the biggest orgasm of my life.  It was spectacular for several reasons, intensity, duration, etc, but the first is that it went on to open up my heart like never before. I was gone in bliss for about 3 hours, and E stuck with it, to his total credit. I was lying there in a stupor, laughing, crying, for a while, my heart just blown off its hinges. Then we went for a drive, to pick up a video, get some stuff at the drug store, and all the while I was still Gone. I have only ever felt that kind of thing around Master, previously.
E said something about my increased capacity for feeling, and he was cool with what was going on!  Didn't even take credit, said it was me, and he was only there to serve this process in me. He is pretty damn cool and astute like that. He said something else last night, when I was talking about how over the top my orgasms have been lately. Something to the effect of "Why shouldn't they be? We're not here to be ordinary!"  Hhmm, good observation. 

I mentioned "the L word" last night (not the tv show), and that brought up some interesting stuff..  When is an appropriate amount of time to say you love somebody? We've been dating almost 3 months now.  I didn't come out and say "I love you" but what I did say, was "Do you feel loved?"  He said "Yes, do you?"  Yes, yes I do. He smiled and hugged me even tighter. Even if that's about all we could manage, us damaged (well, speaking for myself) people. How hard is it to say that, and not be scared of whatever does or doesn't come back as a response? Why is saying it so much harder to do than feeling it? I guess if it remains unsaid, you can always imagine.

I asked a little later if that had freaked him out, and he said, "we can say it, when it's appropriate". Meaning, I think, that he doesn't want to say it casually, like we say "I love ice-cream", or "I love watching Dexter".  When (if) he does finally say it, I think it will be a pretty special moment. I don't think he meant by that that it's not appropriate now, I hope not, anyway, though there was a little pang of pain that he didn't say it back as directly. It's hard not to feel loved by E though, despite that, he just seems to radiate it, kind of like Master does, despite what he does or doesn't say. He doesn't say much sometimes, he's a pretty quiet character, over all, but I know what it feels like when he hugs me, and that's what matters.
It's revealing to me some more of that insecure ego, the one that thinks it needs the love.  

He did say that he wasn't wanting to date other people, he had all he wanted right here, and what about me? He hoped I did, too. I am scared to admit that I backed down, and quietly said "me too".  Despite thinking all weekend about ex-Husband, and where that is leading. Which, I don't know, and I don't even know if I am still sexually attracted to him any more, I think what ever this brings up for me is more about not wanting to let go of our friendship and love, than our sex life. I do love ex-H, very much, but do I really still want to fuck him? I really, honestly, don't know. That is the issue. I don't think I do. I want the hugs and the cuddles, and the friendship, the company, the companionship, the occasional weekend road trip, (sounds silly, but I have missed that possibly the most), but not the sex. But I don't trust myself not to have sex with him, in a moment of weakness.   
So perhaps, for now, it's ok. So there we go. E and I committed to not fucking other people. HHmm. How did that one get by me? A moment of not taking my stand, letting my fear dictate things. I'm not that bothered, it's only really the thing with ex-Husband, and like I said, I'm not sure I still want to fuck him, so what does that tell me?  That I'm hanging on to him through fear also. Not trusting that if we don't fuck, he won't love me, and we can't be friends any more? That's bullshit, surely.

I am meeting ex-H for lunch today, and told E that we were going to be making friends again, and he said he wasn't jealous or threatened by that, and that he trusts me. Oh dear. I am not exactly trustworthy, am I? Jesus. And I don't want to hurt him for the world.

You know, for now, that's all ok. I do worry about whether it will stay ok or not though. But, I am happy with E.  He is a great lover.. And a really cool guy, fun to be around, and 'gets it' to a greater degree somehow than most people do. All that, plus what is looking very much like a more Tantric kind of sexual possibility than I've had before. Maybe that part is just my own openness, but you know, it does take 2 to tango.  I can't logically explain why E felt so damn good inside me the other night, how amazing and intimate a sexual experience that was... That takes 2. It wasn't just 'fucking', it was real intimacy, too.  

Perhaps there's a way, or a moment will come up, when I can say what I want regarding my views on monogamy a little better, a little more clearly.  Maybe that will be when I fucking know what it is I actually want!
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