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Well, for all my shit-talk and bravado, there is nothing like having the shit knocked out of you in an email.

Ex EMAILED me, after 10+ years, to tell me he is currently fucking a friend of ours, and has no interest in reestablishing our relationship. It was a standard corporate rejection letter, thanking me for my past services. (Believe me, Master and our friends all TORE HIM A NEW ONE for that..) 

I truly was not prepared, for all my talk, for how painful that would be, how hurt I would feel by it. This week has been a nightmare like no other, and all I have been able to do is think about him and her, fucking. Urgh...  (Even while I was underneath E this weekend, happily getting the shit fucked out of me!)

I sent him a really strong email about how fucked up he is, and how I am done. No more contact please, until you've grown up.

A touch hypocritical, considering that I have been fucking E for 3 months now, and my own response and hypocrisy was a shock to me. I was a wounded animal in a corner, I got so emotional and reactive! It felt so utterly, completely wrong. Like I woke up in the wrong fucking Universe on Friday morning, and nothing would ever be the same.
I expect duplicitous and dishonest behaviour from myself, not from Ex. He has always been honest about such things, until now. I think that was the shock, for me, to find out HE'D been fucking somebody behind MY back. Very much out of character for him. Especially considering the time frame this all started, he had told me that he wasn't interested in anybody else!! WTF?? There's a time anomaly between when he said that, and when they got together.  In other words, he's a lying fuck, and lied to us both.

And it's not even the sex, that part, frankly, I could handle. It was the complete abandonment of our 'intimacy'. (His words. He didn't want to 'resume our intimacy'. Asshole. Who uses language like that???) 

Anyway, somehow, I was invited to sit with Master and everybody last night, and I found the strength and dignity to go, to sit in the same room as them both, and not even cry one tear, let the smile fall from my face, or show one sign that I was in any way freaked out by it all. I am stronger than I could ever have imagined. It is good to know I can do a thing like that, be there, with them, and not feel defeated, or show my weakness and heartbreak. Fuck them. Fuck her. I have had many extremely violent fantasies this week about doing her in.

And wow, Ex even said he thought she was ugly, not so long ago. He didn't pull any punches in describing her! She is, she has really narrow beady eyes and horrible shaved eyebrows and too many freckles, and no tits. Ex is a tit-man. Seriously, what the fuck?  Convenience. I don't think he could deal with his feelings about our relationship, and she was there in his immediate environment. Ex is all about his own convenience.
She is herself just recovering from a relationship break up and quite possibly on the rebound also.  

Of course, inside I was dying, but managed to keep my composure. I think partly out of spite, ok motherfucker, you do not matter. Let's see how your ego handles not mattering to me, handles my not getting upset in the least, handles my smiling and hugging people like nothing was up.

Shit, I truly was not prepared for how much this would hurt.

It was good to see Master again. I was there for him. He wanted me there. That was the only way I could do it, to stay present in the room with the Love that Master is.

I feel like Ishtar, being slowly stripped of all, in her descent into the Underworld. Husband, gone. House, gone. Cat, gone. Legs and mobility, gone. Dignity, gone. Self-respect, gone. Betraying girlfriend, gone. Idealized self-image, gone.
Does it really require the loss of everything??? 

I will never stop loving Ex, and that scares me. I am trying to feel the pain without the insult, and just realize that egos do this shit to each other all the time, and it is no reason not to love. If that is all it takes to stop loving, what was it? Self-interest.

Give us a while, and we will be friends again. This has taught me a valuable and painful lesson, I DO love Ex. Dearly. More than I ever wanted to.

I have taken great delight in hearing that they have already run into 'stuff' in their relationship, and have had other people intervene. And they got together during a Venus retrograde, Jupiter retrograde, and impending Mars-Uranus square. I give it until the next eclipse, when Ex's Mars (and my Venus), takes a direct hit, or until mid January, when Pluto goes over his Part of Fortune. He also has a Saturn Sun opposition coming up soon. I wish I had her chart details.
Uranus went direct yesterday, on top of my Venus, and Ex's Mars, too.

My astrology mentor called, he said it's not over yet between us. He has no reason to lie, and pulls no punches, generally, and doesn't even particularly like Ex all that much. That was interesting.   

Meanwhile, E finally managed to say "I love you". It was sweet. I made him repeat it 3 times. I am immensely thankful that he is there to ease the pain of all this. Those big shoulders, so fucking consoling... I cried and cried one night last week, and he hugged me all the tighter, and I said I was just tired and PMSy, and releasing the stress of the last while, letting go of Ex, and my leg, and all that. He should never know how my heart broke because of Ex's betrayal.

I do care about E a lot. I think it's love, but not in the usual sense. I don't have wild crazy obsessive thoughts, it's just a nice human level of intimacy with somebody I care a lot about, and the sex is awesome. I am worried I will end up hurting him, that's the last thing I want to do.  I think perhaps that's a grown up response, finally. I want to make E happy, and keep him safe from my own ego and self-interest and lies. He has been a great friend, not just through this, but for the last 7 years.
But I don't trust myself as far as I could throw myself.
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