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Downer alert. Stop reading if you don't want your festive spirit dashed on the rocks of my self-pity and PMS.

Spent Christmas Eve at E's parents, out of town. I didn't realize we weren't going there until later in the evening, so I hadn't made any plans for Christmas Eve day. It rained. I was bored and feeling a little lonely, and stuck in my own head about my problems.. Argh.. I watched almost the entire of V Season 1.
But, the evening eventually came, and we had a lovely time. His parents are super-sweet, and made me feel SO welcome. We stayed overnight.
Christmas Day was spent at his brother's house nearby, and was total chaos, in a nice way. Kids everywhere, too much food, and I didn't feel lonely or stuck up my own asshole.  :)  It was a nice few days' distraction from the pain.

Fuck, I have been feeling SO unhappy lately. I am really struggling to get over this one. Master had a big party, they all got really drunk and had a blast, Master texted me the next day to say he was so drunk he had forgotten that there had even been Darshan. I laughed really hard.
Husband sent out an email to all, with photos, and I didn't even have the nerve to open it and see them until today, and just sent him a terse 'please don't include me on your email list' message. Of course, first up was a photo of Bitch looking radiantly happy. I probably shouldn't have sent him that email.  It's still so painful. And self-inflicted.
I think that's what's been so hard to swallow. I could have done any number of things differently.

I don't even know what I want, if there was a magic wand I could wave, and change anything, I don't even know what I would make happen, honestly. Would I go back to Ex? I have thought that was what I wanted, but I am not so sure any more.  He was such an unbelievable asshole when he sent that email to me.

What about E?  After 4 months, things are still good, but the gilt edge is wearing off, and spending all of yesterday cooped up in his condo with his 2 sons playing X box on the couch all day wasn't really what I had envisioned my life to look like.  That is the longer term picture, I feel. I'm a bit scared to admit out loud that life with E is by no means perfect.
He is a sweetheart, I feel very loved, and he is very kind and wonderful, but his lifestyle just isn't what I want mine to turn into, and I am a little afraid of that happening. He lives in a different city, so we spend weekends at his, to avoid the commute, and I don't like where he lives. It's endless boring sprawl with no center, and more than a little redneck, compared to the city I live in with it's music scene and restaurants and Downtown, and all the good things of a more metropolitan environment.
I want to be out with my camera, outside, in nature or in the city, not in endless strip malls and car salerooms. Where he lives is like a bad Nicholas Cage movie set.

The sex is still great though. Better than great.  :)  And I do feel very loved, and respected, something I never felt from Ex. He didn't ever really respect me.  I was always what my gf refers to as the 'Omega dog' in the pack, and in Master's pack, too, come to think of it. I am glad I have stepped back from that, that is good to remember, today. 

All I know is I am suffering my ASS off right now, and life does not feel good. I am usually a real optimist, but today I just can't get it up. I have no rosy glowing picture of my future, in which it has all somehow worked out ok. I have so much anger, jealousy, rage, sadness, doubt, indecision, hopelessness, you name it. And Master keeps saying 'You are the one doing it'. I know that, but what I don't know, is how to fucking stop.  How bad do these things have to get before we have had enough, and just give up and stop bothering to feel bad?

I can't help feeling like Ex has it all now, Master, Bitch, all 'our' friends and social life, our house, a new and happy life, without me. I feel like Bitch hijacked my life and stole it for her own.

I have E, (which is really not so bad, but still feels somewhat like the Crackerjack consolation prize on days like this one), and a strained relationship with Master, a broken heart, and no social life. I feel isolated and left out of the party. But, this is what I chose.

Bitch somehow now has my happy life, and I have my mother's unhappy lonely self-pity-fest of a life, almost exactly. What the fuck happened? Is the force of our karmas really so strong, that even Master couldn't help me overcome that awful pattern of cookie-cutter mother-daughter life?
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