So, last night was part II of my Scientology course. I finished up part I on the anti-social personality type. That was interesting, they give you a box, with a list down one side for people in your life, and across the top boxes for what type of anti-social behaviour they do, and you have to put an 'x' for each.
My mother, and Master's woman scored the highest. Master's woman had almost all the boxes checked... I dunno, maybe I am just so determined to see it, that I see it. Or not, maybe she really is that fucked up.
Master kicked my ass the other day for an email I wrote him about something I had come to see about my relationship with Ex. It was deserved. I wrote a really angry and passive-aggressive email about him being more like a girlfriend than a man. True, but probably not necessary to write to Master about.
I deleted Ex and all of Master's peeps from my Facebook list yesterday. Felt really good. They won't even notice, most likely, none of them ever really get onto Facebook, but it was nice to hit that delete button. I just hated seeing Ex's face pop up at odd moments. Painful.
Anyway, the rest of the Scientology thingy was about the Social personality type, those people who go out of their way to be genuinely helpful and constructive, and get things done. You all know the type, the guy who spends Saturdays helping drive elderly people to the grocery store, etc. The one who actually follows through on that favour they promised you. The one who never distorts the truth, hates to gossip, never tells you their own bad news, and always has a back-up source of facts for the information they give you, etc. Trustable, kind, selfless, defenders of the underdog.
E, my girlfriend S, my manager, my Dad, all fit that. And none of them are conventionally what is thought of as 'sociable'. E is quiet, just gets on with it, doesn't make a fuss. He is always sending me links to interesting things on line that would make my life easier. Hacks for this and that, useful iPhone aps he found me. (He has a Droid).
S is in some ways kind of anti-social, she has no tolerance for fools, and tells it like she sees it. But if I ever need defending, she is right there, terrier-like. She does the things she says she is going to, follows through. Offers herself and her time to me. Life is better because of her.
My Dad is pretty shy sometimes, and has social 'issues' when it comes to mixing with new people, etc. But when you look closer at the pattern, these people are all being constructive members of their little circles, helping loved ones, supporting, not putting them down or gossiping, but doing the love, quietly, humbly. My dad will go to one of his friends' houses and quite often just sit there in the corner with a cup of tea, and just fix a clock, or repair a bit of broken furniture, take them vegetables from his garden, etc, just because it needs to be done.
I had a really cool memory come back last night, of my Dad when I was about 8, stopping one of the local 'mafia' types in his car one day, and threatening him with a shotgun. Really. My dad stood there and stood up to this asshole who was intimidating the entire local community. OK, so my dad didn't really directly "threaten" the guy with the gun, in-your-face tv-show-style, but he took it with him, in plain sight of this asshole, and stood his ground and confronted him, told him he wasn't going to take his crap. It got to yelling. Dad stood his ground. Mafia-guy backed down a little after that. Our community was better for my Dad being in it, even though some of the myopic assholes in the town didn't like him, because he wasn't fitting in with their notion of what 'social' was.
Sounds so simple, to have things laid out like that, have to lists of friends, one who are destructive, manipulative, gossipy exaggerators, and one list of helpful, kind, constructive people who make my life better. I am enjoying this course, it's proving valuable. Score one, Scientology.
I am a little freaked out to see myself on that anti-social checklist. I could check off many boxes on myself. I am not sure which category I fall into, and that is scaring me a little. I have been very manipulative and destructive, prone to gossip, etc, even just very recently.
Oh, and the people I have met at the Scientology center, are for the most part pretty lovely. Really only met one guy so far, that got my hackles up a bit, the guy that persuaded me to take the course, oddly enough. He was a little pushy and persuasive, a bit car-salesman, but I can forgive him for that, because it really IS a good course, and I probably needed a push, I really don't always know what is good for me.
So, my old fuck-buddy S got into town late last night. I put him on the couch to sleep. I am feeling so weird about this visit. I don't want to fuck him! I don't know whether this is a moral issue, or what, but I haven't got any interest. I am almost wishing he wasn't here. Which is odd. And a little sad. And I hope he can't feel my ambiguity. He probably can, he's very sensitive. But I didn't jump him last night. Used the 'have to get up for work' excuse.
We did kiss this morning, and I crawled under the covers with him for 5 minutes before I went to work. That felt nice. He is a great kisser. With a big dick. He was definitely pleased to see me. :) Maybe I could be persuaded.
But I think I would rather not. I don't trust myself, and I know S knows how to seduce me. I feel bad. I don't want to hurt E. That's the last thing I want!!
Why can't I just be simple about things, be with E in the moment, and be with S in the moment, and not get all complicated. It's all in my mind, I'm starting to see that a little better, at least. I have no idea, really. I am assuming a lot of things, giving myself a hard time about them, and am not good at 'poker face'.
E is fine with S being here. He has no problem with that. He knows we're taking off tomorrow for an overnighter out of town, and really has no problem with it. I guess he thinks we'll be in separate rooms, I don't know. But we probably won't be.
I wouldn't be all that comfortable, if the tables were turned. E is perhaps a little too trusting.. And I feel bad about that.
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