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Still Sad

Still feeling sadness. I think this morning on the bus coming into work, as I went past Ex's office, like I have to do twice a day, I felt so much rage.  Even death would be better than this. If Ex had died, at least he would still have loved me, or I could have hung on to the illusion, at least. This way is worse for me. The fucker stopped loving me.
I got scared occasionally when we were married that one day he would die, but never that we would get divorced and it would end with no love between us.

I have called around a few divorce attorneys, and got nowhere, which might not be a bad thing in some ways, but my one hope is that one of them that I haven't heard back from yet, a specialist in this type of thing, can help me 'vacate' the divorce, and then we can renegotiate on much fairer terms.

I am also still just plain old missing him! And that part sucks. So many times I have almost picked my phone up to text him.

Another part of me thinks that this is also perhaps S's fight, her separation from her ex, she is protecting me, making me think about what she would have liked to have done. She walked away from half the house they had  together, and they weren't married, so she had no leg to stand on. He got everything. She had to start again.

I have still been having murderous, vengeance-filled thoughts and feelings, struggling with seeing myself become this bitter, fearful, angry person. This is not who I am.
I think hanging out with S isn't helping, her anger is becoming my anger, and we are exacerbating it for each other. It's so easy to get into shit-talk about it all, about our exes, which has been therapeutic, but I think the time to move on is coming soon.
I have been praying for closure. 
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