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Mum and Dad and my own best interests

Dreamt my mum redecorated her bathroom with this lovely black and white wallpaper, it was really pretty. She put up some old b&w photos of me when I was about 6 or 7 in nice frames, above the sink. She bought some raspberries that I had for breakfast, they were in a big bag on the dresser in the kitchen. I had stayed over.
I heard her answer a knock at the door, and it was some guy offering to clean her chimney, (that has to be a metaphor!) and I suggested she call the police with a description of him, in case he was a criminal they were looking for. I didn't trust him.

Also dreamt my Dad was putting tons of money in my bank account. I was looking on line, and there were all these random deposits he had made recently, $700, $500, etc, and I asked him, and he said not to worry, he had enough to take care of himself, and this was left over. I bought a house with it. There was such a feeling of relief and affluence.  That would be nice.

I always have the feeling Dad could have done more for me than he did.  He has been helpful and generous, but I have the feeling (and I know this is crap), that he should take better care of me financially. Wonder where I get that? ;-)
Time to start taking better care of myself, I am approaching 40, after all. 

I had another major realization last night in my Scientology class. I love this shit. ALL the events around my divorce were due to my listening to other people, and not sticking with what I wanted to do, or what I felt or wanted.
I listened to A, when he was telling me what a bad idea being married was, because he had had a bad experience with it himself. His experience was not my experience, but somehow I made it that.  I listened to Master saying the same thing, his advice that it all has to go, I listened to Ex, that my cat had to be put to sleep, that I should not get a lawyer, etc.
Not that I probably could have done much differently, they had all made their own minds up, but I never listened to myself.
I let myself listen to them. I had the stupid idea, not even consciously, that they somehow were right and I was wrong, or, at least, that they weren't as aberrated as me, which is bullshit. All our brains are aberrated, why not just listen to myself more? I am no more fucked up than anybody else on this god damned planet..  I need to take responsibility.  I have been looking for what I did wrong, not really getting it, but that is it. I didn't listen to myself.
I sat there and cried for 10 minutes, and then called my girl S up when I got home.  Big breakthrough. Things have always gone ok when I trusted myself, listened to myself. Things have always not gone ok, when I listened to other people, that don't necessarily have my own best interests at heart.
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