Neutrality

I wish I could just forget all this, and just move on. I was doing much better, before Ex sent that damn book, and before I saw him yesterday, now it's all like it all happened yesterday, and I am sad again.
I want to ask S to ask him not to send anything else, or be in touch again, but I don't quite trust her not to have her own agenda, she doesn't like Ex all that much, that's become pretty clear.  I am sad that she's my only source of contact with him now. She's so bitter from her own breakups, that she's not the most open minded or honest person to talk with about it all. I wish I had realized that a few months ago.
I think I need to lessen whatever interaction there has been about him with her, and try to keep her on neutral territory in our conversations.  The irony being, she is doing that at the moment with one of her other girlfriends! She doesn't see what she's doing, in my case. Same thing.  A little poisonous. Lots of projections.

Been feeling so scared lately, about my future, my job, (our company just had another round of lay offs) and all kinds of things, did I fuck up, this wasn't how life was 'supposed' to work out, etc..  All nonsense. Such a sense of underlying panic about life at the moment. I guess that's a common theme, isn't it? We're probably all feeling a bit shaky about stuff at the moment, as we start this new Uranus cycle.  I need to remember that, and keep some perspective.

And inevitably, I was going to run into Ex sooner or later.  I feel stupid for being so thrown off course by it. I had figured that now he has no need to come to my part of town any more, I would never see him again. I had been feeling like it was safe to breathe again, like he was gone, and for now, that wasn't a bad thing in a way. Part of me is (probably not so) secretly pleased I ran into him. I took a look at his chart yesterday, he should have had a big freak-out of some kind, yesterday morning. Ha.  I hope so.

Looking forward, tonight I am at least going to get good and laid, I see E tonight. :)  That should take my mind off it all.