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More Damn Paradoxes

E and I had the most amazing sex again last night. Possibly the most intense orgasm I have ever had in my entire life.  It just ripped through my entire body and left me weeping and laughing uncontrollably, with a totally open heart. E was grinning ear to ear. I'm sure he wonders sometimes about this crazy chick he's hooked up with. But he gets it.

The paradox of that, being my feeling how much I love E, deeply, I can see who he is. I look in those eyes sometimes and his soul is right there, fully present, like I have really only seen in Master, and a relatively rare few other people. And also this awareness that nothing is for ever, and sooner or later, even this magic will end.  I will lose him somehow. Death, or betrayal, or falling out of love or however it happens.  Endings are inevitable.  Bittersweet moment.  Gnosis of the most paradoxical kind.  But isn't all true Gnosis paradox?

Ex giving me those tickets has brought up a whole bunch of stuff. Of course. That, also being a paradox. Feeling such massive love for him, and feeling so hurt still, so angry still, so confused by all this. Why did he do that? Does he have a motive? What is it? Or is it really just an innocent gesture, an olive branch?

I sent him an email today, saying thank you, that was a kind gesture and I appreciate it, but I am still not ready to be friends just yet. Just that. 2 lines.  Brief. To the point. I wonder if I'll get any reply. I almost hope not. But I am waiting by my inbox, nonetheless. For what? What do I really expect?  "Hey, I dumped Bitch, I miss you Honey, come home?"  Yeah, right. And even if that was the case, would I really want to hurt E like that, for Ex's sake after he hurt me so badly? I would be the biggest fool in the world.

Fucked if I know what I want or don't want any more... Not that that has anything to do with the facts..

The only thing I feel with any certainty, is that I need to take a hard line with Ex. Stand my ground, and wait it out, not give in to my mind about it all, or give in to my wanting to contact him. I cannot be the needy one. Whatever occurs between us again, ever, be it friendship or more, tomorrow or in 10 years, or never, (I have to be prepared for that, too), has to be on my terms, when I am fully ready, and I am not.  That sounds kind of harsh, and hard-assed, but things were always on his terms, for the most part. He has to learn that I am a different person, and most definitely not his mother. He can't manipulate or charm me into how he wants things to be. He has to show me the respect I deserve. That was always my mistake with him, letting him get away with too much. I didn't earn his respect.
I intend to start earning my own self-respect, if nothing else.
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