Waiting..

I sent an email to Ex last night, 2 lines, thanking him for the tickets, and saying I wasn't ready to be friends yet.

Of course, I have been spending all day waiting by my inbox in vain. Feeling pathetic. Hating myself for getting so bent out of shape about one single possible email, when really, what I said and how I said it, he might have even thought I didn't want a reply. I don't know. I am telling myself that. He could at least have said 'Ok, thanks for the thanks'. Nothing. Fuck. And I know he checks his email regularly for work. (The same email I have thought about many times, breaking into and deleting the account, or writing Bitch an email on his behalf, or sending all his contacts something weird and nasty, a confession of child molestation or something, or.. or..... I could go on.)

I emailed step-son yesterday, too, and said I missed him, and he'd always be family. I have had nothing back from him today either, but that's not unusual. He will, in a few days, I'm sure. He's more of a grown up in some ways.

I was just reading through last years' blog posts, which totally depressed me. I was in exactly this same place last year, not much has changed emotionally.  I am still as unhappy in a lot of ways, I haven't healed, I haven't let go, I haven't moved on, and it's been a year, really, since Ex asked me for the divorce, and had our cat put to sleep, all in the same fucking weekend. All on one of our major anniversaries. Nice.

Fuck that cunt. Fucking hope a truck runs over him and his Bitch.  No, I hope she gets impaled on a sharp implement and gang raped by syphilitic old men.  And I hope they make him watch, and ass-rape him before the truck comes.  Well, I don't really, but it's a comforting thought.

How did I get so angry? What the fuck happened? This is not me, this is not who I am. I feel like I've been robbed of myself in all this, too somehow.

I have been having a bad week. PMS, anniversary, contact with Ex, all a lethal depression cocktail.  TGIF, and I can spend the weekend with E, getting the shit fucked out of me, hopefully.  :-D  That will help, always does.  E has been such a blessing. I think I'd have gone crazy by now, otherwise.