As you might remember from some of the first things I wrote about meeting Matt that first time, this was not one of those relationships you hear about that go at a slow pace and take time to develop. A few minutes after meeting him that first time I was so turned on that I wanted to reach out and hold his face with both my hands and pull him in to kiss those lips, then take his clothes off and make passionate love to him the rest of the day. Only problem was, I met him at his eighteenth birthday party and there were maybe 20 or 30 other people there! Plus, I was only seventeen then and had never kissed another boy much less had sex and made love to one. But, whew, I was speeding inside with all kinds of feelings that I started getting lightheaded. As you recall from what I wrote, I played it cool and probably came across as super shy.
Soon after we met at his party he asked me out on a date for the following weekend. He wanted to take me to dinner and a movie. Very romantic indeed! During that first week before the date we talked on the phone every day.
Well, that first date sealed the deal for me, and maybe I'll write about that at some point. All I knew after that date was I wanted to see this guy every chance I could. But I really had to slow myself down. I mean, we had only known each other a week. Plus, I had never dated before and didn't know exactly how all this worked. I didn't want Matt to think I was lonely or needy or somehow pathetic. All I knew was that I wanted to find a balance between jumping his bones every time I saw him and just trying to be my natural low-key self.
Matt, however, was a different story. I mean he never came across as needy or anything, but whenever he was around, he always looked so eager and engaged -- a little anxious even. I always felt like there was this energy coming out of him that he sometimes had a hard time controlling. It was very easy for me to get swept up in all that energy, and, to be honest, it made me feel good. Being on the receiving end made me feel special and attractive. When he was around I felt like we were the only two people on the planet.
After about a month into the relationship, I started feeling like I couldn't keep up with him. He was always talking about different things we could do together like going to the beach, going sailing, going backpacking and camping. He was always talking about various plans he had for his future and a wide array of beliefs and philosophy about life. On the more relaxed side of things, I liked that he wanted to show me some of his favorite special spots where he liked to go to be by himself when he needed to think.
And, dear God, Matt always had ideas and thoughts and plans he couldn't wait to tell me about. All this was totally exciting and I remember thinking he was the most intelligent, exciting and interesting person I'd ever met. But sometimes he couldn't stop talking. It was like there was this engine inside him that was always on overdrive.
Sometimes he would be telling me about something and it was almost like all his sentences ran together. Or I would be telling him something and every now and then he would jump right in the middle of my sentence and take off running. In the beginning I just thought it was nervous energy and tried to be patient. As time went on I started getting seriously pissed. It was like he was sucking all the air out of the room. Sometimes he had trouble staying on one topic and his thoughts would go bouncing all over the place.
In that first month I was a little nervous about bringing it up to him. Everything else was going seriously great, but I didn't know how to talk to him about it. I decided to talk to two friends of mine about it. One of them said just to make a joke about it and use humor, like maybe call him "Motor Mouth Matt." Maybe he would get the hint and chill.
The other friend asked me if I thought Matt was doing drugs, like some heavy-duty speed or something. That might explain a lot. And I did notice he would go to the bathroom a lot while we were watching a movie at his or my house. Was he doing lines of coke or something?
Oh shit, please God, not that! Whatever it was, I was getting super nervous and worked up. I wanted to think he was just your run-of-the-mill "motor mouth" cause I could work with that. But if it was some shit about drugs -- man, I didn't even want to think about that. One of my cousins got into some serious trouble big-time with that crap and that was something I knew I didn't want to deal with. I would definitely not put up with that.
I felt like I had to be honest and just put it on the table and tell Matt what I was feeling. I would see how he responded, and if I needed to I would ask him about whether he was doing drugs. Oh shit, what have I gotten myself into? Is this something I'm gonna have to get out of?
So when I finally brought it up to him, he leveled with me. And it was not what I expected. We had a hell of a lot of talking to do after he laid it out.
I'm still thinking about how I'm gonna explain and write about this so I'll be up tonight finishing it and letting Matt read it before it goes up tomorrow. Right now I'm totally exhausted.
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