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Email to MIL

Oh, I did. I emailed Ex's parents, and wished them a safe trip to Israel when they go soon.  I told them Ex had met my mom for lunch and a walk, and that they had talked, and that I miss him terribly, and them, and my BIL and his wife. It's true, I do. I miss my BIL, he was hilarious. 

I know she'll say something. She can't help herself. To her credit, family is everything, and she was very sad when we split, and apparently told my mom that much, and said she couldn't understand Ex's awful behavior. She never brought him up that way.

What am I doing? I have no will power. I don't know what's best any more. I was hurting so badly, not being in touch with him, and now I'm hurting, now we're starting to put feelers back out again to each other.

I think I have to admit, I want him back.  I just don't know what else to make of what I'm doing, it's like I'm on autopilot, and I can't help myself but respond with hints to that effect, despite my better judgment.

What would I do, if he straight came out and asked me, "Honey, I love you, let's get back together"..
What about E? I genuinely feel love for E, he's a sweet, sweet man, he's been very good, very kind, but.. He's not Ex.
And how likely is that? I have to ask myself. Probably not very. And it would likely be dependent on my coming back around to see Master? And dealing with Bitch? Fuck that. But I SO badly miss him. SO badly.

And Jesus, S would kill me... That in itself, dealing with the wrath of S, should be enough to keep me away... lol

This is exactly why I DIDN'T contact him for so long... I feel like an asshole.  And pretty pessimistic that any of this will lead to anything that I want, or even what it is that I want?

On Monday, after mom got back from lunch with Ex, when I came home from work, there were pink rose petals scattered all over the floor outside my apartment building. Ok, so there are about 20 other people living there, but I still took it as a sign. Perhaps because I am so desperate?  I don't know. But that was nice.

And yesterday, I had dinner with Sister and her husband and my mom, and the woman in the restaurant read our coffee grounds like tea leaves. Mine had a huge heart on the side of the cup, and she said that my man loves me very much, and that I had several options open to me. She also saw a bride throwing a bouquet on my mom's, and said "Your daughter will get married soon".  My mom asked, true to her selfish nature, "Oh, are you sure that's not me?"  The woman hesitated a bit, but I think I want to go with her initial impulse..  Trouble is, which man??  Neither of them want to be married. So perhaps it IS my mom.
Or perhaps it's just bullshit.
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