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Humming Bird Medicine

I wrote Ex yesterday afternoon. I gave in. Here is what I sent. I think I did ok. 
Lovely to hear so much beautiful news from you about your spiritual practice, that makes me happy. 

I know we probably have a long way to go before we can be real friends again, or even if that is going to happen at all, if that is even what you want? I don’t mean any harshness when I say this, only love, but I can’t help feel that this email was so impersonal, it’s almost like you wrote it as an email to everybody*,or a nice piece of ‘Ex PR’, not an intimate email to a beloved friend whose heart you know has been broken…  

Despite the wonderful confession of spiritual practice from you, I could feel no love in it, no sense of personal relationship between us, just talk about yourself.  It could have been sent to anybody at all, it didn’t feel like it was addressed to me. 

I would love us to find a way to be friends again, so maybe you could work on that a little?  Or just be honest, if that is not really what you want, and are just politely covering your own ass here, for the sake of appearance, doing what Good Ex feels is the right thing?

So, some real honesty here, friends or not?  But no more half-assed Good Boy, ok?  It’s very painful. Now, I am free to decide whether I want that in my life or not, and I don’t, the friend I want is not the Good Boy.     

How is your family? Your brother? What have you been doing?
I am fine, thanks for asking. Yes, I can walk again. About 80% back to normality after a long struggle and a lot of expensive therapy and time off work, I’m not sure it will ever be as good as it was before, no mountain hikes for a while. 

I had a really very touching Mother’s Day note from [Ex's daughter], we stay in touch regularly. I wrote [Ex's son] recently too, and heard nothing back, how is he?  Is he ok?

My mom will be in town visiting for a week next month, which will be nice.  

Much love, as always, no matter where we find ourselves. 

*[Ha! He must have guessed that S is telling me things? I couldn't resist that one, like the herpes comment in the last email, too tempting by far] 

Saw Sister and our mutual friend J last night for dinner.  Ex texted me, right in the middle of dinner! Wow.  No wait time.. He must have read my email after work, and texted right away.  He wants to see my mom when she visits.  They loved each other, I know that.  She was heartbroken about our divorce, she thought the sun shone out of his butt-crack, she really did.  He was her Salvation, the marriage she never had. 

I called her this morning, and asked her if she wanted to see him when she's here.  She does. Well, ok then.  That's between them.  I wish I could be a fly on the wall, because I don't quite trust either one of them to report to me what really was said. And I need to let her know what is safe territory to talk about and what's not. And let her know that he doesn't know about E!  Shit, I should tell him soon. J asked me last night if he knew, and then asked me why I hadn't told him. Hmm.. Not really that hard to decipher, is it?  J didn't think so either. I love my friend J, he's a fearless pursuer of truth, and always puts it so kindly. But he shot me one of those humorous looks that said, "I know what you're up to, sister.."

I am really happy about that though, that Ex texted, rather than emailed, and the signs he is finally showing up with. It was a long text, too, must have taken some effort on his part, saying he was considering the things in my email to him, and was glad to hear my ankle was getting better, and would write a response soon. He sounded apologetic, he must know he was an asshole. 
I wonder if S said anything? She hasn't told me she did, so I'm guessing not, I think that would be beyond her scope, she'd have to mention it!  

I didn't tell her that Ex texted me, or that I wrote him yesterday, she wouldn't be able to contain herself about that, either. 
I just don't need that, and neither does Ex. 

I am not letting my guard down, just softening up my hardened heart, for my own sake, and allowing the possibility of healing to take place. I know there's a big risk in being in contact with Ex again, and I know he's not really changed that much, and still perfectly capable of being an asshole. I have seen so many things about him recently, when the blinkers fell off, that I wasn't aware of when we were together, I am not the same naive person I was.  I have won my Sacred Space, and am now concentrating on earning respect.      

Dreamt I was with Sister last night, and we were photographing humming birds together. This is pretty interesting!!!  

"Hummingbird may be telling you that you need to stand your ground and protect your own Sacred Space. Sometimes the only way other people will learn how to be respectful and right by others is by us saying to them that we will not tolerate their nonsense. It takes two to play any game and we all get to choose what games we wish to participate in. If the game isn't a fun one for you, walk away. There are many people in this world who are fun and joyful to be around, who are loving and kind, respectful of others. These folks will support you in being the best person you can be, not tear you down. But as Hummingbird says, we also need to take responsibility for who and what is in our lives. For it all comes from within us, every bit of it! So go out there and seek your Joy, connect with those folks who will Love and Value you for the truly wonderful person that you are and see how your life blossoms as a result!" 
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