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I hit 'send'...

I sent this, in response to the email I got from Ex, about did I have the photo? Prolly shouldn't have. Oh well. What's there to lose? Fuck it. Maybe I can move on now. 

Thank you.  I have it already.

Ex, I am saying this with love, but what are you doing? You are sending my mom books, me emails, etc, and it hurts, honestly.
I have asked that we not be in touch for a good reason, because I am healing, and I can’t, when I feel the knife wound every time, knowing you’re not going to be saying what I want you to say to me. 

I can’t do ‘superficial’ with you. My heart isn’t that strong. I can’t be just a small incidental part of your life. Do you know how painful that is?

I don’t know if you know what I have been feeling all this last while, every fucking day. I dream about you all the time, you’re in bed with me, but fucking [Bitch], in our bed, right next to me, or she has genital herpes and you gave it to me, [Ha, had to get that one in..] or, or, a number of other assorted nightmares... And always in our ‘home’.  I could go on. But the point is, losing my best friend and lover for 10 years, a quarter of my life, the person I moved countries to be with and left friends and family for, hasn’t been easy.

I hope Bitch was worth all that. I hope that’s how happy you are with her, that it makes all the heartbreak worthwhile. 

I would just like to be allowed to heal for a while, unless you have some expression of real, genuine love, and aren’t just trying to make yourself feel better about all this.  

I will always love you, more than you know.   I will always be here, ready to love you, if you ever really need me, and it’s not just something superficial.

I hope you never find out what it really feels like to have your life destroyed, it’s not something to pray for. 

Then right after I hit send, S gets me on MSN chat! Ha..  How ironic.  
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