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Big party at Ex's house (MY house!! FFS), it was swinging, lots of people, there was somebody serving gourmet cupcakes to people waiting in line, then suddenly, everyone left.
I was sitting on the couch with Ex, I slide my arm around behind him, and snuggle up, and he says he has no interest in me any more, and I should move on, he has, and anyway they're all moving to another part of town now.
He tells me he's going upstairs now to masturbate, and I should go home. "But I AM home" I think. This is MY fucking house, too. And you'd rather go wank by yourself, than fuck me? You asshole.

Motherfucking nightmares.. Jesus.  Perhaps keeping a dream diary is not helping me at the moment, all I seem to do is remember my nightmares.

I am thinking about writing Ex a full-on here-it-all-is email, because there is so much I haven't said, and I feel like I need to. I feel like he needs to hear it. I feel like I never got closure. I am so mad at Master for separating us all those months, we never got to talk about a single thing.  I am stuck. I am totally stuck.
I won't send it. I still haven't sent the letters, and I doubt I will.
Oh, how close I've come, several times, to sending letters to him, or to other people in his life.. He has no idea. 

And I snapped a little at E yesterday, and felt bad. I was being a little defensive, I think because I was feeling stirred up with Ex emailing me. Shit, I have to sort this out, I have to let go, move on, but I just don't know HOW.  It's not something that is happening for me, I can't seem to just 'let it go', you know? People say that, 'Oh, just let it go', but it's not something you can force. I wish I could. I would be happier.  I don't WANT to be stuck in this place... It's a living hell. It's not getting better. Time is not really healing this wound. 
Perhaps I can have a good talk and a good cry with D later.  I think I have PMS again, maybe.  It's coming up to that time of the month again.
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