Been texting with S this morning, and we both agree, Master expects too much from people. Ex has buried his pain and seemingly moved on, because Master expects it of him, and Ex is a Good Boy.
I expect the conversation went something like this.
Master, "How are you doing?" Ex, "been thinking about Xxxx". Master, "where is she now, she's not here." Ex, "No, she's not", and never another word was likely said.. I doubt he goes to Master to talk about it when he thinks about me. He's just making out like it all never happened, and he only has this new life now, because that's what Master expects him to "practice" with.
But how healthy is that? Can you just forget 10 years of your life, and the person you said you loved, on somebody else's request? Even if that somebody is your Spiritual Master? Apparently not, as he's been emailing me and giving me U2 tickets. All without Master's knowledge, apparently.
And I should not have asked Ex not to email me. I regret that, now. I regret both those emails. I should just have said thank you, and waited patiently for the next one.
S thinks I am emotionally healthier than Ex, because I'm here, processing. I got angry, I yelled, showed myself to be human, and wanted revenge, and showed signs of it not being right, of my not accepting things that were fucked up, while he complicitly said "Yes Master" and got busy fucking my replacement.
I don't know, it's been more than a year now, since he asked for the divorce. I should be healing, moving on, but I feel so desperately stuck sometimes. I think what's happening, is that feeling isn't lessening in intensity, I'm just feeling it less often, I guess. It's not always the first thing I think of when I wake up, and at least now, I have stopped dreaming about him. I guess that's a start. Maybe I will heal, will get over this. Maybe I'm expecting too much of myself.
Maybe Ex is just better at moving on than I am, and I am reading too much into his emails to me.
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