Losing My Religion

Depressing post alert. (I am ok, just coughing up a hairball)

Dreamt about our cat last night, she was curled up on somebody else's lap, sitting next to me, and I was sad she wasn't on mine.  I woke up crying, missing her SO SO badly.
More ice and snow, at mom's house. I was photographing it again.  Interesting, what the hell does that mean?

I wrote down in my iPhone, "birds nest woodpecker ice" and fuck if I can remember the woodpecker! I like woodpeckers.  

There was also steam being blasted at us, to clear the nuclear fallout from Japan.  I was near a large skyscraper, (possibly the 911 site, except it was by the ocean), outside on the sidewalk, and suddenly this large amount of hot steam comes gushing at me, and I am scared. The Govt did it, to get rid of the Japanese radiation.

I need a steam-clean myself, I think..  

I have not heard back from Ex.  It's been more than a week now, since I sent that first email, and he uses that email for work, so I know he's seen it.  Fuck.. I am mightily sad today.  When will all this sadness go away?

I realized on the drive into work this morning, that I have lost my faith. Maybe not entirely, but close.  So much of it I feel despair about.
No 'God' would let all this fucking bullshit happen between 2 people that started out loving each other. Or to a child who started out with a loving heart and good intentions, and faith in that God.  There was no 'Grace' involved in how we hurt each other so badly. I am angry with whatever 'God' there is.  Fucking furious. Fuck you, God. Fuck you. Fuck Master, too.
All these years, I have given my life over to all that, to God, to spiritual life, 'practice' and for what?
I have had all kinds of spiritual experiences, outrageous moments of bliss and ecstasy, weeks when I was fully Awake, I knew I was the same as God! There was no separation, only overwhelming Universal Love.

What good has even that fucking done me? Really? All those 'profound' experiences? All that time with Master, other Masters, some of the world's most incredible Saints and Sages? I have spent time with many of them, visited them, talked.
I have friends that are pretty big time occultists, and Christian monks, and no joy for me there, either.  I have witnessed the most spooky and incredible things, and been a psychic all my life, and what does any of that matter in the face of my unhappiness today, in this precise moment?


Here I am today, back to square one, and still wanting what I can't have, still sad, still unhappy, still angry, still 'me', an ego still running away from my fucking childhood demons.  Still living a life like a billion other people, no different, no better, no happier. Divorced, sad, angry, over weight, getting older, body parts starting to fail me. Not to negate any of it, it is all valid, but right present time, where is it? I am hurting.  It isn't there, any of it. It hasn't made a fundamental difference to my basic state of unhappiness.

I just want an ordinary life, like other people have, my own home, a husband (or the equivalent, I don't think I want to do the legal thing again, though I think I do sometimes, and wish that E would ask me, though fuck if I know what I'd say if he did!!), a cat, a job, some travel, good health. Fuck it all.

God will have to prove itself to me in a Big Way, for me to want any of that again. I have been wasting my life searching for something that isn't possible. I am not Buddha. I am doubting Enlightenment. This asshole isn't holy. She is the same as everybody else, suffering, sad, wanting comfort.

I haven't been to my Scientology class or for auditing, either. It was helping, I think, but.. I don't know.. I just felt stuck still, and that deep existential sadness hadn't really been touched. I can learn lessons about how to be a 'better' more functional person, but it costs money, money I don't have at the moment. And time. I need to stay home lately, when I am not with E, and do housework. Get my place straight, get the kitchen painted, the vacuuming done, and not let the laundry pile up. I need to take care of myself on a basic level at the moment. Feel connected to a home somewhere again.    

Something miraculous will have to happen, for me to really give a shit.  Am I losing my mind?

I am sure tomorrow, I will be able to get out of bed again, my faith will probably return, I will feel the truth once again of myself as a spiritual being, but today, things feel so heavy and hopeless.
E will snuggle with me tonight in front of the tv, and fuck me, and I will feel better after that, and a glass of wine or 3.

And it's not all about Ex. It's like the weight of my entire life is sitting on my heart today, all the disappointment I have ever felt with how it didn't turn out the way I wanted it to when I was a kid. I had so much hope, back then, so much faith in God, so much light and promise and potential. And so much pain has happened in this lifetime.

Jesus Christ I feel depressed this morning.

I have always prided myself on being an optimist, in the face of such massive pessimism from both my parents, always vowed not to be like them, and always felt slightly superior, perhaps, that I hadn't lost my ability to see the positive, to be a nice person, to still manage and cope, never giving up, despite what life has brought me, but I can't escape the feeling any longer, that that might be bullshit. I might be in some kind of denial.

Perhaps this is a good thing, I am finally starting to get real and face life as it is, not as I want it to be. It is stark, and brutal and impersonal, and full of death and failure, and things don't work out how you wanted them to.

Perhaps this crisis in faith is the best thing that could happen. And I think I feel better, even just coughing up this hairball.

Funny, this song is always what I listen to when I need a good cry, and also one of my happiest memories, being very drunk at a club in Crete when I was 18 with my boyfriend and about 8 of our friends, and dancing my ass off, truly free, not giving a shit about anything at all.

I haven't danced in years. I feel so physically self-conscious and can feel the fear in my body, and could never really let go, so I haven't danced since a party with Master once, when he was trying to get me to loosen up. It didn't work. I shut down further, I think. Now I'm just self-conscious about being self-conscious.. At least before, I just knew I needed some alcohol.




"Losing My Religion" REM

Oh life is bigger
It's bigger than you
And you are not me
The lengths that I will go to
The distance in your eyes
Oh no I've said too much
I set it up

That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight
Losing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no I've said too much
I haven't said enough
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try

Every whisper
Of every waking hour I'm
Choosing my confessions
Trying to keep an eye on you
Like a hurt lost and blinded fool
Oh no I've said too much
I set it up

Consider this
The hint of the century
Consider this
The slip that brought me
To my knees, failed
What if all these fantasies
Come flailing around
Now I've said too much
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try

But that was just a dream
That was just a dream