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Anger and Love

Dreamt on Sunday morning that Ex was really angry, like REALLY demonically angry. He didn't say a word, but I have never seen such a look on his face, ever. Total rage, nothing there in his eyes but anger personified.
I think I will have to ask myself again not to dream about him. That was a bad one.

He sent me 2 emails this weekend, one with a picture of step-daughter's new tattoo, which I had seen already on Facebook, and one asking when my mom and dad's birthdays are.  After I have asked again for no contact for a few months. I am secretly pleased though, regardless of the obvious disregard of my request.

I did tell S about the recent things that have gone down, the conversation he had with my mom about (apparently, though I don't think even she would make that up out of thin air), not having sex with Bitch, etc. She just has a way of getting me to confess things, but I am ok with that though, she wasn't overly combative about it, and didn't say too many negative things about him. She suggested that I send his email to Master, which I didn't want to do, mainly because I don't want contact with Master at the moment, either, but then she read it, and said not, so that was ok.  Why I let that cat out of the bag, I have no idea. I am sort of kicking myself that I can't seem not to tell her things.

Anyway, E and I went to get membership at a gym at the weekend, and his was a renewal, and if I was his 'spouse', I could get mine at a really reduced price, so I decided to go for it. He made some joke about pretending we were married. I said, "That's about as close to a marriage proposal as you're ever likely to come, isn't it?"  Another case of flapping my open mouth off.  He responded with "You could always ask me!"  I giggled and slapped his butt in a "Oh, that's cute but I'm not biting the bait" kind of way.
(But that's an interesting response from him, it wasn't a no!)
I am an asshole. I have no idea why I said that. My needy insecure side coming out.  I am so not ready to get married again. Shit, I am terrified of commitment.  I was just on autopilot. I need to watch that, and never mention it again.
We had a wonderful weekend, we only got together on Saturday evening and yesterday, because I was out with Sister on Friday night, and S on Saturday brunch. He was working Saturday day. He doesn't usually do that, but they have been slammed this week, which is good.
Last night, we were just surrounded by and enveloped in this total love-zone, it was amazing. We had such an idyllic day, walking in my favourite park and on the beach. He really opens my heart up in a way that has never happened before. I have been 'in love' with plenty of guys, but it hasn't ever felt like this before, I actually LOVE this one. It feels very different.
After the heartbreak of my divorce, etc, and all that time with Master, I just seem to have a much more open heart, I guess. It's less about me, and more about give and take. I know what heartbreak is, and what it feels like, and it's grown some compassion in me possibly. And I think also because I know what a fuck up I've been emotionally, and that despite that, E has been very good, very sweet, and taken care with me, of me, despite I think probably knowing my heart is still very much broken over Ex. I love him all the more for that, if that makes any sense at all.
And I think I can see the poetic justice in why Ex has no money, in a way. I know I'm not going after that. That was a big allure with Ex, if I'm honest. We were pretty financially secure. I threw that away, and didn't take a penny during the divorce for some STUPID reason, and am still really kicking myself about that. I don't know how to take care of myself. I am too idealistic by far. 

I think I am growing up, emotionally, believe it or not, from all the crap I've written here in the past few years, you'd never guess it. But I think I am.  I think I'm actually capable of loving another person now.
And the paradox is, that it could be anybody, it's not necessarily about E. He's not 'the one' in that romantic sense that I always wanted to find. It's about me. I am capable of feeling love. I hope that makes sense.

I also think I had to find out what else I was capable of feeling, all the anger, hatred, despair, futility, jealousy, fear, rage, sadness, first, before I could feel the love.
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