Hey Matty......
You remember when you asked me out for our first date? I had just met you and thought you were the most gorgeous guy I had ever met. And you wanted to go out with me? Me? Why would someone with your good looks want to go out with me, I was thinking. You could have any guy you wanted (or girl for that matter).
When you asked me out, I think my heart was beating so fast and my breathing got so shallow I literally got lightheaded and dizzy. I think all I was able to say was, "Okay." Remember that? I was trying to fight some tears. For a minute it was like being in a dream. It felt so unreal. What was happening to me? It was like I was caught in some spell.
I still can't figure out why you were so nervous on our first date. I remember you couldn't take your eyes off me. You were so totally cute. I mean, here was this really hot, rugged, totally masculine guy sitting across from me at the restaurant, and you had this little boy cuteness about you. I had to fight to keep from melting. And you were trying to keep the conversation going by asking me all these sweet and adorable questions about me. I felt so special that night. I never got the feeling you were trying to impress me. You made me feel lovable, beautiful, smart, witty -- and you had me blushing like every five minutes. I remember thinking something like, "This guy has no ounce of self-conceit in him." You were a little caught off guard when I started asking questions about you, like you were kind of embarrassed to talk about yourself. So totally adorable.
One special memory I have is the first time you kissed me. It was after our third date. You looked so nervous and cute and adorable when you asked me if you could kiss me. I remember giving you this smile and all I could do was nod my head. That first kiss was so full of tenderness. It was like two things were going on inside me at the same time. It felt like this low-zap of electricity flowing through me, and it also felt like I could just melt into you. I mean, literally loose myself.
Every time we go out in public together, I feel totally safe with you. When we hold hands or you put your arm around my shoulder, I get this really safe feeling like we're the only two people on the planet. People sometimes look at us funny or do double takes, or a few times have thrown some ugly names our way. I absolutely know you would never let anything bad happen to me -- or us. I never thought I would be comfortable holding hands with another guy in public, but with you I always look forward to it.
And how would I have ever gotten through all that stuff I've been going through with my Dad without you? When I first told you all about it, I remember starting to cry. It was the first time I had ever told another person how I was feeling about that. I mean all of it. We stayed up until 3:00 AM that night and I felt you were so there for me. You held me really tight, rubbed my back, sat back and held my hands while I literally poured my heart out. You kept saying things like, "Just let it out, Brad. Let it all out. I'm here, baby." At the time I couldn't figure out why I didn't feel any embarrassment about crying in front of you. And this was kind of early on in our relationship. I could see how you understood the pain I was in. It almost seemed like you were going through the same thing I was, and feeling all that pain. You took really good care of me that night. I think that was the first time I was starting to feel like I loved you. Going through all that with you gave me the courage to start thinking about how I needed to deal with my Dad directly about all this. So, you played a huge role in getting things started there.
When I started meeting your friends, I could always tell how much they respected you. Sure, you and them were always joking around, but I could always tell they saw you as this really solid friend. I remember feeling astonished that you had all these really amazing friends. It was almost like they kind of worshiped you. I know that sounds overly dramatic, but it made me think you were the kind of person people could trust and count on and look up to. I think you're very lucky to have the friends you have. I haven't disliked a single one so far. And, they are very lucky to have a friend like you. Totally loyal. One of them told me you never gossipped. He said he had told you extremely personal things and he never had to worry that somebody would hear about it. You really are a man of integrity.
Oh, and that thing about your work party? Man, if you couldn't see how much they like you, then you are truly blind! :) Yeah, maybe some of it has to do with you being the youngest one there, but you dished it all back to them. I watched how they interacted with you. It was like they were all trying to let you know how much they enjoyed you. Maybe they were trying to show off a little for me, but I appreciated how they tried to include me in all their kidding of you. I don't know a whole lot about how straight guys show affection to each other, but, dude, they love you.
So, earlier this week at the restaurant where I work? Those guys you thought were flirting with me? Maybe they were a little. When stuff like that happens, I try to be nice and decent, but flirting back with another guy, in any setting, under any circumstances, is so totally not on my radar. After everything we've created -- our relationship I'm referring to -- which has been based, not on sentiment, but Love (with a capital L), you are the only guy I flirt with. I can't even think about wanting to flirt with anybody else. It would seem so shallow and empty and meaningless and silly.
So, you have nothing to worry about, boy! I made a commitment to you. I'm in this thing all the way. Whatever problems we have, I know we'll get through them. I love you and this is for real, baby. For real.
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