So, picking up where I left off yesterday.....
Then I got things started by asking him, "So, you know why we're here, right?" That's when the shit hit the fan.
We were on the park bench, and Asshole Boy was leaning over with his elbows on his knees and his hands over his face. I was sitting straight up with my back against the bench, both feet planted firmly on the ground. My hands were unfolded and free so I could be ready for anything.
He still didn't say anything, so I said it a little louder, "So, you know why we're here, right?"
Asshole Boy (AB): "Yeah."
Me: "So, you tell me why."
AB: "Cause of what I did."
Me: "Come on, asshole. You can do better than that."
AB: "What do you want from me?"
Me: "I want you to spell it out. I want you to tell me what you did to me."
AB: "You know what happened."
Me: "You're damn right about that. I was there, remember? So why don't you give up your fucking attitude with me and spell it out... what you did to me. You even remember it?"
By this time, he sat up straight but still wasn't looking at me.
AB: "Yeah I remember it. I roughed you up."
Me: "Why are you whispering it? I can barely hear you."
AB: "Look. I don't know why I roughed you up. It was stupid. I wish I hadn't done it."
Me: "Man, I'm going to say this once. So you better be paying close attention. Right now I don't give a fuck about how stupid you were. Or whether you wished you hadn't done it. I'm asking you to spell out what you did to me. Then I'm gonna ask you what I looked like after you did what you did."
I don't want to go into all the details of specifically what each of us said. He eventually started to get up but I grabbed his arm and made him sit back down. To his credit he owned up to what he did and spelled it all out.
He was either very afraid of me or he truly felt bad about what he and his buddies did. He was having a hard time getting his words out and I was staring at him the whole time. He was looking straight ahead but he had this "catch" in his throat and I thought he was going to start crying or something.
I asked him again what he remembered I looked like after he and his buddies beat me up. He didn't go into a lot of detail but somehow it helped me to know he still had that image of me on the ground, doubled over, holding my sides, moaning and having a bloody nose.
So we just sat there for a while not saying anything. After a while, on his own, he said something like, "I'm really sorry. I hope you can accept that."
He seemed the most genuine at that moment than he had all night. So I was thinking to myself, What the fuck am I suppose to say to that? It's not like he had stepped on my toes and just said Sorry about that.
I thought about it a while and said something like, "You know, I don't know what to say right now. I've got a lot to think about. I just hope nobody else has had to go through the kind of shit you put me through. I really feel sorry for you."
After a little time had passed, I told him he could go. He just sat there and didn't move. So, I was starting to get up and go back to Brad and our friends and this time he spoke up and mumbled something like, "This might not be the best time to say this, but..." He had been staring straight ahead or at the ground the whole time, but now he turned slightly and looked me head-on.
"... I don't know if Lisa or anybody has told you this, but.... I figured out a while back I was bi."
I just stared back at him and froze up inside. All I said was, "What?"
He told me again and I can't describe what was going through my head at that moment. It's all kind of a jumble now but I remember saying something like, "So, you're a cocksucker, too, huh? Goddamn." For some reason I was starting to get all worked up again, I'm not sure why. Did he think that was somehow suppose to make me feel more sympathetic to him or something?
I just looked straight ahead and started thinking. I put my hands on my face, started shaking my head and then this quiet laugh started coming out. Not a happy laugh, but one of those laughs you have when you witness somebody being pathetic. Maybe it was wrong of me, but that's what happened.
I finally said something like, "You know what? I just need to get away from you. I actually don't want to know anything personal about you. I'm going to get up, go back to my friends and I don't really care what happens to you. I'm outta here."
So I left him sitting there and got back to Brad and our friends. I know I must have looked like I was in a daze or something because Brad just looked at me and grabbed my hand and held on hard. Everybody could tell I didn't want to talk right then about what happened. All I remember was Brad holding onto me tightly and then the two girls and the two guys all hugged me. Right then I broke down crying. Nobody was forcing me to talk. They all knew I just needed some space and time, but I didn't want to be alone.
We all went back to my house and spent about an hour in the backyard talking where I told them everything. It all started spilling out of me and after a while we were all crying. They were all saying such incredible caring things. I just wanted to fold up like a baby and have them take care of me.
They asked if I wanted them to stay with me that night. I thanked them and said no. I just needed to go to sleep.
Brad then said, "Well, I'm not leaving you tonight." He had this solid determined look that was filled with so much love. It was a little bit jarring because I had never seen him look quite like that before. His look was so solid, strong, determined, loving, caring. It's funny, but at that moment I felt like we were just one person. Somehow I knew he understood absolutely everything going on inside me. And this was a new level of love we were having right then. I look back on it now and it was a major turning point for us. It's like you're going this way in your life and then something happens and you're going that way.
So he spent the night and didn't for one second ever stop holding me all night long. He was facing me when I woke up, with his arm on my shoulder and his legs in between mine. He had been looking and smiling at me. That look he had the night before was still there.
We both called work to say we couldn't come in and then spent the whole day together. He knew exactly when I needed to talk and exactly when I needed to say nothing. He took total care of me all day.
I'm still trying to sort out everything that happened. One thing I'm sure of is that I'm stronger inside than I thought I was. I feel like I finally put something to rest. Let sleeping dogs lie. I've still got more to think about, but somehow, in some way, I'm different now.
And Brad? Love really does change. It's not the same now as it's been before. There's something deeper and more real than we've known. You, my sweetheart, my love, are in my life for good. That's all that matters right now.
The other thing I'm sure of, is that thing we call "love" really does exist in the world. I honestly, without exaggeration, don't think I could live without it.
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