First of all, I'm sitting here so glad I put up the post yesterday about my 2 day personal nuclear meltdown. Every single person who put up a comment, and some several times (*insert big smiley face here*), helped extinguish the fall-out contamination and the world is a safer place now! One thing I've learned is, to paraphrase Dorothy, "We're not in high school any more!"
I sent someone a message (thanks, Kat for listening) when I got home yesterday. Here's what I said (making just a fee edits because it really is something I want to say to everyone):
"I just got home from class and everything was total smoothness this afternoon. I totally freak out sometimes like this morning and it really did help to write out what I was feeling. Then I get home and Brad is waiting for me and he's dying to show me what everybody wrote on our blog today. I swear you don't know how helpful is was to read what everyone wrote! The best part is knowing that nobody judged me as a fuck-up. I like it when people care enough to be direct and honest and genuine. Now, Brad is taking me out to dinner and promised to sleep over tonight. It's such a great feeling to feel loved, cared for and not judged."
My afternoon class went really well. It's was in a huge hall in one of those amphitheatre-type rooms. I was sitting next to this girl and the prof was going over the syllabus and the reading list, trying to make the case that we're going to cover the history of literature and art from ancient Greece to the 19th century! The girl next to me just muttered under her breath, "Good God!" I looked over to her and she turned her head to me and had these huge bug-eyes. I just gave her my own raised eyebrows and whispered, "No way are we gonna cover all that." She just smiled and shook her head in disbelief at what the prof was saying.
When class was over I introduced myself and she did too. She then chuckled and said, "This is nothing like high school." I said, "That's the most accurate thing I've heard all day." We both laughed and I said, kinda without thinking, "Maybe we could sit together for mutual support next week." Then I was thinking to myself what a dumb thing to say. I mean, how dorky. Or even did she think I was making a pass at her or something. She was nice though and smiled and said, "Yeah, this is all pretty overwhelming." So guess what? We made plans to meet at one of the entrance doors next week and go in together and find seats together!
Pretty cool, huh? Already made one friend who feels like I do, which is something I wasn't expecting. Maybe this is not going to be so bad after all. So, after all the support I got in here yesterday and from Brad and then maybe making my first friend in college, I suppose I can't say I'm a fuck-up or anything like that. All I can say for sure is that I was (and still am) nervous about the whole thing. I finally feel like I'm back in my right mind, the one that functions rationally and can actually take the next step(s) to grow up from being some scared little kid to being a capable adult (or at least mini-adult).
I have two classes this afternoon and (wonder of wonders) I'm not freaking out. Yeah, I'm feeling nervous. But I have the campus map and know right where these classes are, so I'm ready to go. I'm almost even afraid to say this out loud 'cause it might jinx it, but I think I'm also feeling a little (just a little) excited today. Can you believe it?
The other little bit of good news is that the one class Brad is taking is also this afternoon. For some reason, just knowing he's going to be on campus at the same time as me feels comforting. My first class gets out at 2:00 and then I have a break until 4:00 when my next class meets. His class starts at 4:00 so we're going to meet at 2:30 and spend time together! How totally cool is that?
He said last night he was also feeling nervous and was asking me all these questions. I got really playful with him telling him stuff like, "Hey, there's nothing to it. Been there, done that. It's a piece of cake. Just stick with me. You'll be fine." He had this totally cute and sweet giggle-sound I had never heard from him before. He just looked at me and said, "God, what am I going to do with you?" I said, "Well, I have some ideas for tonight after we get home." Then he had a different giggle, one that was more sexy. Just the kind of giggle I wanted to hear!
I sent someone a message (thanks, Kat for listening) when I got home yesterday. Here's what I said (making just a fee edits because it really is something I want to say to everyone):
"I just got home from class and everything was total smoothness this afternoon. I totally freak out sometimes like this morning and it really did help to write out what I was feeling. Then I get home and Brad is waiting for me and he's dying to show me what everybody wrote on our blog today. I swear you don't know how helpful is was to read what everyone wrote! The best part is knowing that nobody judged me as a fuck-up. I like it when people care enough to be direct and honest and genuine. Now, Brad is taking me out to dinner and promised to sleep over tonight. It's such a great feeling to feel loved, cared for and not judged."
My afternoon class went really well. It's was in a huge hall in one of those amphitheatre-type rooms. I was sitting next to this girl and the prof was going over the syllabus and the reading list, trying to make the case that we're going to cover the history of literature and art from ancient Greece to the 19th century! The girl next to me just muttered under her breath, "Good God!" I looked over to her and she turned her head to me and had these huge bug-eyes. I just gave her my own raised eyebrows and whispered, "No way are we gonna cover all that." She just smiled and shook her head in disbelief at what the prof was saying.
When class was over I introduced myself and she did too. She then chuckled and said, "This is nothing like high school." I said, "That's the most accurate thing I've heard all day." We both laughed and I said, kinda without thinking, "Maybe we could sit together for mutual support next week." Then I was thinking to myself what a dumb thing to say. I mean, how dorky. Or even did she think I was making a pass at her or something. She was nice though and smiled and said, "Yeah, this is all pretty overwhelming." So guess what? We made plans to meet at one of the entrance doors next week and go in together and find seats together!
Pretty cool, huh? Already made one friend who feels like I do, which is something I wasn't expecting. Maybe this is not going to be so bad after all. So, after all the support I got in here yesterday and from Brad and then maybe making my first friend in college, I suppose I can't say I'm a fuck-up or anything like that. All I can say for sure is that I was (and still am) nervous about the whole thing. I finally feel like I'm back in my right mind, the one that functions rationally and can actually take the next step(s) to grow up from being some scared little kid to being a capable adult (or at least mini-adult).
I have two classes this afternoon and (wonder of wonders) I'm not freaking out. Yeah, I'm feeling nervous. But I have the campus map and know right where these classes are, so I'm ready to go. I'm almost even afraid to say this out loud 'cause it might jinx it, but I think I'm also feeling a little (just a little) excited today. Can you believe it?
The other little bit of good news is that the one class Brad is taking is also this afternoon. For some reason, just knowing he's going to be on campus at the same time as me feels comforting. My first class gets out at 2:00 and then I have a break until 4:00 when my next class meets. His class starts at 4:00 so we're going to meet at 2:30 and spend time together! How totally cool is that?
He said last night he was also feeling nervous and was asking me all these questions. I got really playful with him telling him stuff like, "Hey, there's nothing to it. Been there, done that. It's a piece of cake. Just stick with me. You'll be fine." He had this totally cute and sweet giggle-sound I had never heard from him before. He just looked at me and said, "God, what am I going to do with you?" I said, "Well, I have some ideas for tonight after we get home." Then he had a different giggle, one that was more sexy. Just the kind of giggle I wanted to hear!
It's still raining and very dreary in Boston today. Normally that kind of thing puts me in a down mood, but that's not what I'm feeling right now. Dreary sky. Rain. And I'm on some kind of high. Or maybe I'm just feeling normal again. Or content. Or happy. But I think the right word I'm looking for is really "hopeful," and all the feelings that go with that word.
Oh, and I told Brad that if it's still raining tonight (which it's suppose to) maybe we could do what we did when we were down in Rhode Island a few weeks back (you can read about it here, in case you missed it). Dancing in the rain. So romantic.
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