Why?

Another self-indulgent rant coming on. Nothing to see here, move along. I notice I have lost 3 'followers' this last while. Ha.  Can't blame them. 

Dreamt I was sitting on the floor of a grocery store with D, Master's old friend, talking about getting married, and about my whole relationship with Ex. It was nice happy conversation, we were laughing about it all.

Also dreamt I was in bed w Ex, and it was lovely, happy, and we were talking and making out, taking clothes off.
He was laughing.  Our cat was there, she was outside, he let her in the window and picked her up.
Fuck, I miss him!!!  SO badly. Jesus.  Why don't I just send him an email, and make friends again?  Really, it could be simple. Ha.

Too much pain, too much anger still, too much self-doubt, mistrust, etc. It's almost easier to have nothing to do with him at all, and miss him this badly, than open up that can of worms. It was just too painful.  It still is. But now, I wonder if the pain is worse from missing him, or because of what happened. One could be easily remedied. The other, never. I will always carry that wound, I think. Unless there is some massive act of Grace that intervenes.  I just don't know. I am awaiting that Sign. 

I am not counting the dream as a result from the other nights' ritual though, I dream about him all the damn time, anyhow. I am awaiting something a little more concrete and direct.  I walked into my local deli yesterday, and Master's favourite song was playing, though, again, not enough. I am asking for a big fucking SIGN, something utterly unambiguous, that I don't have to go looking for. (You know, like him walking in the door of my fucking office or something).  Nothing less than that.

I feel so stupid, too, and I still don't really understand why I can't just get over this and move on. It's been a year since the divorce was final, and 2 since we were really on any kind of good terms. And I know I brought this all on myself, with my fling with A 2 years back. (Speaking of whom, Sister said last night he's hooked up with some 24 year old. Good luck to him, I am glad he's happy, sincerely, so why can't I be happy that Ex is happy now?? I got over A so damn fast.)
That, and if it was just the sex, no problem. Sex wasn't even all that wonderful with Ex, either. He had a small dick, and always came too fast. Every time. It's not just the sex though, is it.  I wish it was, then we could just get on with being friends again, and not bother about who else we're fucking. 

Jesus I wish life wasn't so fucking complicated.  Why can't we all be happy and get along? Really. I don't know.  I am an Aquarian, we don't do emotion all that well. People think we don't feel it, we do, we just don't know how to process it all that well. 

And it's not like I'm not happy with E, I am. I adore E. He's awesome, the sex is awesome, I love him to bits.  But he's not Ex.  The stupid thing is, I'm not even sure I wouldn't totally get bored with Ex again if we were to hook back up. I even think he's a total asshole now. Isn't that absurd? So why am I pining away here??  Why still so much heartbreak over this?