Sanity

S is coming to visit today, staying until Tuesday.  I have realized something. I don't want to hurt E.  Finally, after all the fucking shit I went through with Ex, and having an affair, him dumping me for bitch, and all that, I don't want to put E through any kind of pain like that. 

I don't want S to come. I have been dreading it.  I only just let myself feel that. I love S, we've been great fuckbuddies for almost 20 years now, but I can't do it this time.  E is special. Really all I want to do tonight, is go to E's and snuggle on the couch and watch Mad Men.  It's a bit of a shock to realize that. 

No fucking period yet. I am 3 days late.  And scared.  But I do have a few cramps starting this morning, so I am hopeful, and I don't have sore tits. I got pregnant in my mid 20's once, and I remember my tits felt like they had been pumped full to almost bursting point with red hot lava, and then kicked by Skippy the Kangaroo for a few hours. It was very unpleasant.  That and no appetite, I was pregant for 7 weeks, and lost a ton of weight. I have been eating like normal. Keep your fingers crossed. 

The irony being that I got a fundraising letter from Planned Parenthood the other day, and I called them to get my name taken off their mailing list. Ha. They are like the fucking gestapo, I have moved twice now, and they still know where I live.  Never give them your name and address. I had thought about signing bitch up with them. That and Publishers Clearing House, the JW's, Scientologists, etc.. lol 

I haven't been to any Scientolgy anything in a while now. They got a little too pushy with me. I don't like that. I learnt that lesson already, I am not an easy mark. I learned a lot of cool stuff, and I still like them, just keeping my boundaries in tact and not drinking the kool aid.  I think everybody should do 6 months with them! It was very helpful. But I am currently keeping my distance.

Master has thrown S (girlfriend S, not fuckbuddy S) out.  I think this is a blessing. Now she won't have any gossip to tell me about Ex.  I have to ask though, what Guru ever threw out a devotee in the midst of a real crisis? Ours did. He threw me out too, pretty much. He at least didn't do much to stop me leaving, and did a lot that left me feeling pretty shit. Like giving his blessing to Ex's relationship with bitch. 

He doesn't want to deal with her, claims she isn't ready to practice. That might be true, but wow, she has hung in there through some tough shit.  I am a little sad for her that that's happened though.  She feels rejected, and one should never feel rejected by somebody one puts such faith and spiritual trust in, surely. I feel it's an abuse of Guruhood, to do that, personally. 
If you want that job, be prepared to deal with the whole person as they are. Really DO unconditional love, even when it stops being convenient??  She wasn't the only one, 2 of them got cut off yesterday.  Master claims the other guy was being abusive. Yeah, well, that's what egos do.  Master talks up a storm about victimhood, and yet I find him talking about being the victim of his devotee? Really? 
I have my own axe to grind, but to me, that sucks. 

It is a blessing though.  She should find her own feet.  I had to. In a way, I can see the Grace behind this. So perhaps he's not that 'off' after all. 

The guy she's dating also is seeing somebody else, she found out last night, in the Perfect Storm. So she was a mess last night, we talked on the phone for half an hour, and she sent me 16 texts between 6.57 and 7.12 this morning too, after that I think she got the picture that I wasn't answering them, and possibly in the shower..   Jesus.  Who does that??  I ended up turning my phone OFF. Even on vibrate, she was getting irritating..   I feel bad, she's hurting today, but she's a vampire sometimes.  I had to cut her off this morning for my own sanity.