When I first started thinking about how I wanted to write this, I thought it would be a fairly easy thing to do. I would just decide how explicit I wanted to be and then start typing away. For example, in one of my English classes in high school, we covered how journalism was different from writing an essay. In journalism, it was all about "just the facts." Who, Where, When, What, Why. So, I thought writing about this topic would be kind of like that. Just the facts. Plain and simple.
So, that's how I started out. Then, before long, I just couldn't do it. I kept wanting to explain how I was feeling and what I was thinking about when I was describing what was happening. "Just the facts" was not going to work.
Then one idea kept popping up in my brain. I kept thinking about the difference between "losing my virginity" and "giving my virginity." Now, I know I have a tendency to really complicate just about anything. So, of course, that was going to happen here, too. But, I decided I better listen to myself and try and tell what happened with that idea in mind.
I just can't write about any of this like a journalist would. You know me... I have to say what I'm thinking and then say why I'm thinking it and then say what I'm feeling and say why I'm feeling it. So, in a way, it's a little like combining all those questions you ask in journalism with all the explaining you do in an essay. I just can't write any of this any other way. So, I if you know me at all, you know I'm always apologizing for "rambling." Today, I'm not going to apologize. I'm just going to say I can't write about "losing" or "giving" my virginity any other way. So there!
We've never been all that explicit in the blog about sexual things. Both of us sometimes use explicit words or phrases to describe something that's happened sexually. A few times we've given more than a few details, but we've never really written anything you might read in an erotic romance novel. We never intended the blog to be all sex, all the time, if you know what I mean.
We wanted this to be a place where we could share some things about our relationship, things that at least to us were somewhat interesting. We certainly haven't made this a day-by-day or a minute-by-minute diary of what happens in our lives. In the first place we don't have time to do that, and, more importantly, our lives are really pretty ordinary.
We have a lot of good times together, we do a lot of laughing, we have our arguments and we've had some hard things to work out. Most of the time it's smooth sailing, but, probably like most couples, we have our own family background that seeps into things, our own outlook on life, our own ideas about how things should be done.
So, enough of all this introduction stuff. "Get on with your story, Matt," as my mom would say.
After Brad and I had been dating for a while we started realizing things were getting serious and we talked about not wanting to date other people. And then things started developing in a more serious way. Each of us started feeling that we loved the other. We didn't talk about knowing we both loved each other until a little later, but when we did have "the talk" where we both said to the other, "I love you," we made some decisions about how we wanted our relationship to work.
The first decision was that we wanted to have a complete commitment to each other sexually. We both come from what I guess you would say are pretty traditional families. That's what we know, and, for us, that has always seemed to make the most sense.
We knew we wanted to be sexual with each other, beyond what we called "the little boy stuff." That was how we referred to some pretty intense kissing, making out, groping, etc. To be explicit, we had not yet gotten completely naked with each other and, "gone all the way." Believe me, though, there were so many times when that could have happened, and we came very close to making it happen on more than one occasion. You know what happens when your hormones are on overdrive and your entire body is flooded with this overwhelming desire to "make love all the way."
Before that was going to happen, we wanted to have a talk about each other's past relationship and sexual background. Had either of us slept with anyone else in the past? What exactly had we done sexually with anyone? Whether it was "little boy sex" or "going all the way" with anyone. We wanted to talk about this so we would know what we were dealing with. So we could make some decisions about what we were comfortable with doing, as well as "The Talk About Condoms."
Brad talked about his background first and I was able to ask questions. This discussion was unlike any we had ever had and we both had this feeling our relationship was going to a deeper level.
Then it was my turn. Since we had both agreed to be completely honest with each other, I had a few things to tell him about. I decided to start off with telling him about me and Nancy (not her real name). About the time when she and I were Freshmen in high school. And yes, I knew at that time I was gay and was even out to a lot of people at school. But still.
I was really nervous about telling him what had happened, about how he would react, but we had decided to be honest. So, that's where I started. And that's where I'll start tomorrow.
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