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Dreamt E killed my cat.   I got home, and he said to me with no emotion, "I had Xxxx put to sleep today", and I just laid into him. Hit him, repeatedly, as hard as I could, only it was a dream, and my arms didn't have enough strength. Somehow he was also Ex, and there was no difference between the 2 of them. At one point, Ex was sitting on top of me, keeping me down.  I was so fucking angry.
I woke up sweating. E stayed last night, it was so nice to wake up and realize it wasn't real. My God, I was SO angry, I couldn't stop hitting him/them in the dream, and it felt futile, all that anger got me nowhere, all that punching didn't do a bit of good to relieve how I felt.

That was almost what happened in real life. Ex 'decided' the cat was ready to go, after some persuasion from Master, and they had her put to sleep. (He asked me for a divorce the same weekend). She wasn't ready. She fought. I had no say in it. I was told I was 'hanging on, and attachment is bad', to paraphrase. No. She wasn't fucking ready to die yet. She was angry, I saw it in her face, angry and scared, and not ready to die, and they made that decision, I never had a say, I will never get over that.  She was my baby, they killed my baby.

I still love this man why?  Fuck, I hate this.

Update: As Sartorius pointed out on the phone just now after reading this post above, what's another name for cat?  They're killing my pussy! Cats have always been a symbol of female sexuality and power.   Interesting.. 

Happy Solstice. I am looking forward to the returning of the Light.

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