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Brad's Resolutions

I asked Matty to put up his Resolutions for the New Year first because I needed a little bit more time to write mine out. This was a lot harder for me than I originally thought but I think I have it now.

There are three main things I want to try and accomplish this year. I don't want to go into extra long details just yet because every time I think about them I get a little more emotional than I like. So I thought I'd just list them and give a short explanation about each one. I'll probably be writing more details later.  

The first one is not really all that hard to write about but I still have this small uneasy feeling inside when I think about it. I've written a little bit about how I like to sometimes femme it up when I'm out in public. I've gotten more comfortable with this over the past year but for some reason it still makes me a little more self-conscious than I like. 

I really like wearing a little eye-liner when I leave the house. I don't overdo it but I know people notice it because sometime I can see people staring at my eyes and kinda squinting a little bit. Nobody has ever hassled me about it or made any rude comments so maybe it's just in my head and I'm being too self-conscious.

I also like to wear nail polish and if I'm feeling a little bold, I might use something other than just the clear glossy stuff. Nothing like "fire-engine red" yet.

Then there are times when I like to wear something nobody can see, like some silky underwear. Even though nobody can see it, it still makes me feel good.

So the first resolution is that I'd like to get more comfortable with my feminine side so I won't be so self-conscious.

The second resolution is a lot harder to think about. I wrote a post a while back about my relationship with my dad. We never really had a good or close relationship when I was growing up, and when I was a little kid he would make comments about how I "acted like a girl." The way he would say it always made me feel like he was disgusted and I started feeling like something really bad was wrong with me.

When I came out to my family when I was fifteen, my dad called me his "faggot son." True, he had been drinking when he called me that, but still. When he wasn't drinking, he seemed like somebody else more decent. It was just when he was drinking that this whole other side would come out.

My dad stopped drinking about a year and a half ago and after some pretty intense family counseling, and my dad going to A. A., things are a lot better now. I'm actually very proud of him now. He was really honest during the family counseling (and it helped having this really cool counselor who didn't allow any bullshit!) and we both were able to talk openly and honestly about everything that happened.

I was really mistaken when I thought that once we got everything out in the open and cleared the air, we would have everything worked out. For the most part things are majorly better. He's accepted my being gay and apologized for the stuff he said in the past and I know and trust he's genuine about it. He loves Matty and calls us and visits us and I actually now think he's a pretty cool dad.

So what's the problem? Well, for some reason, getting everything out in the open, telling each other how we really feel, and my dad apologizing, hasn't erased all the bad memories. They're still there and I wish they would go away and stop bothering me. Which leads me to my second resolution for this year.

I want to tell my dad that every thing's not all worked out like I thought it was. I don't want any major drama over this. I just want to talk to him some more. I'm not sure all I want to say to him or exactly what I'm looking for, but I want to see if we can do some more talking. That family counselor said she would be glad for us to call her in the future if we needed her, so that might be a possibility, too. Or I might ask her if it would be better for me to talk to my own counselor. I don't know yet.

The third resolution may be the easiest one of all. At least that's what I'm telling myself. It has to do with my starting college this year.

I know I'm having all the normal fears about whether I'll be able to do the work and keep up with everything. I've accepted that and figure I'll be more confident as time goes by. If I'm being totally honest, which I am, the problem is that I'm being really immature to compare myself with how successful Matty has been. We've talked about this so this is not a surprise to Matty.

I did really good in high school so it's not like I think I'm incapable of doing college level work. I just have this insecure thing going on inside my head that says something like, "I have to prove to Matty that I'm as smart as he is, or he might think less of me." Something like that.

I was talking to a really good friend of mine the other day and he pointed out that I should not be making this a competition. The truth is that Matty is really smart and I worry I may not measure up to him. What my friend pointed out to me made me realize that there is no need for me to compare and compete with Matty.

Matty has reassured me he doesn't think about this the same way I do and said I'm going to do well in things he won't do as well in and vice versa. He said the only one either of us should be competing with is our own selves, meaning that we should each make the best effort we can and set our own individual goals and use that to try and do better. He said this is not a competition between the two of us and he hopes I'll still be proud of him for trying his best to do a good job in college, just like he will be proud of me for trying my best to do a good job.

So, my third resolution is to stop thinking I have to compete with anybody except myself and just make the best effort I can to study hard and do well.

Well, there you have it. I want to be more comfortable with my feminine side. I want to talk some more with my dad about our relationship. I want to do good in college and feel proud of myself for the effort I'm making and not compare myself with anybody but me.

At least I'm trying.
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