horney paper storms: future

Showing posts with label future. Show all posts

Sweet nights and tough talks

Last summer Brad and I made two decisions about our relationship. One was exciting and the other was a little bit scary. Both decisions were motivated by a desire to strengthen our relationship.

The exciting decision was to start a new weekly tradition which we call our Date Night. We got the idea from a friend of ours who was telling us he and his husband have a date with each other every Wednesday night. Sometime they go to dinner, sometimes to a movie, but every Wednesday is their night together, no matter what. They've been together for over 12 years so their experience held some weight for us.

Since we made that decision, we haven't missed a single Wednesday night. We've had to made a few modifications here and there, like deciding to have a "home date" when we were too exhausted from work and school, but even those few nights have been really special. When we have a "home date" we go "un-plugged" from all electronic devices and order a home-delivered meal such as pizza or Chinese food. Bradley takes the night off from cooking, and I'm given a reprieve from clean-up. Those "home dates" when we're really tired feel like some well-deserved pampering.

Most of the time we plan ahead on what we want to do, and sometimes one of us is in charge of planning the date and calling the other during the week to ask for a date on Wednesday. That might sound a little silly since we've been together for almost 3 years, but it's always a little fun planning a date and calling Brad to ask him out. It's sorta like a little "role-play" I guess you'd say.

"Hi. Is this Brad?"

"Yes. Who's this?"

"Uh, well, my name's Matt and I noticed you at the restaurant where you work and was wondering, well, if I could take you out for coffee and dessert sometime?"

"What's you're name again?"

"Matt. Or Matthew. My friends call me Matty."

"You say you've been to my restaurant?"

"Yeah. I was there last Thursday for lunch. I was by myself sitting by the window and you waited on me. I had the Cheeseburger in Paradise with smoked bacon and a dill pickle and home fries and cole slaw. And a house salad. And a large ginger ale. Oh, and Key Lime pie."

"Oh yeah, I remember you. I had to have help bringing your food to the table."

"I'm a growing boy."

"So, yeah, coffee and dessert sounds nice."

"Is that a yes? You'd go out with me?"

"Yes."

"Wow. Cool. That's great."

"How'd you get my number?"

"Well, you wrote it on the check."

"Oh yeah. I like guys with baseball caps."

"I took it off inside the restaurant."

"Yeah, I noticed. I wondered why you had it in your lap instead of on the table."

"In my lap? Right. Well, um, it just seemed more, uh, convenient there."

"I see."

"So what about this Wednesday night around 7:00?"

"Sounds good. Let me give you my address."

We must be doing something right that after almost 3 years together we both still really look forward to our mid-week Date Night. There's something about these dates that remind us to never, ever lose those exciting and precious times early in our relationship when we were first dating.

In the beginning of our relationship we were trying to get to know each other better, learn something new about the other, share something new about ourselves.

Come to think of it, that seems to be what these dates now are about. All I know is that nothing interferes with our sweet night together on Wednesday. There's too much to look forward to. Plus, this has now become one of the "foundations" that make our life together a little stronger.

Stay tuned for Part 2, about the tough talks, the other key element in our foundation.

A letter to you

To all our readers:

Hi everyone. I want to say a heartfelt thanks to everyone who took the time to write out your thoughts, advice, and support on my post from yesterday. When I was reading back over all the comments, I started taking notes of things I hadn't thought of -- really helpful and relevant things I'm going to look into.

I'm trying to make some important decisions about my future and the comments you left are helping me feel more hopeful and energized. And I thank you so much for that.

I was a little worried you would see me as a whiny little kid because I think that's one of the things I tell myself sometimes. There's that sentence in my post yesterday about "...why do some things in life seem to take so long and are so hard and complicated?" that sounds a little whiny to me, but I tried to just write out my honest feelings regardless of how it sounded. I decided to leave that in because, well, that's how I honestly feel sometimes. Maybe I shouldn't feel that way, but I honestly do sometimes.

And then you left comments where you treated me with such respect and care that it almost blew me away. It means a lot to me that you take my concerns and fears seriously and talk to me as if I'm worthy of your time and care. I've had a lot of experiences in my life where I honestly felt like the people around me didn't think I was worthy of their time and care, and I'm always a little surprised and startled when I get it.

One of the things I like about our blog is how we can sometimes write about things that are completely silly and humorous, and then turn around and write about things that are very serious and celebratory, and sometimes very serious and painful.

But the biggest thing I like is how regardless of the "tone" of the topic we're writing about, your reactions and comments always reflect something personal about you. You may not share personal things about your life (even though we're thrilled when you do), but you always share your concern, your humor, your respect, your advice, and your support. And in my book, that's sharing something personal about you.

So again, thank you. Like I said I'm feeling more hopeful and energized about my future because of you. I'm also feeling a little more worthy of the time and care you show me. And that, almost more than anything you said, means the world to me.

Sincerely,

Bradley

Reviewing my resolve, part 3

After all my obsessing about writing this post, I finally decided enough (obsessing) is enough! I get in these moods sometimes where I think I have to be perfect -- I'm sure I'm the only person in the world who ever feels they have to sometimes be perfect, right? ;)

Anyway. I decided to just make this simple to see if I could pull it off. So here goes:

CHALLENGE #1:

If you've followed the blog for a while, there have been a number of references to my desire to be a parent. I haven't written about it lately but it's something that's been on my mind since probably high school.

So the challenge to myself for this year is to make some calls and attend some groups for gay men who are considering parenting.

There is a health center here in Boston that specializes in LGBT issues and they have a program in their behavioral health section called "LGBT Family and Parenting Services." They have an 8-week discussion and support group called, LGBT Considering Parenting Group and I'm planning on calling to get information about the next series.

CHALLENGE #2:

I wrote a while back (post on August 23) that one of my life adventures is to hike the entire Appalachian Trail. This can take anywhere from 5 to 7 months to complete (going all the way from Georgia to Maine). I haven't set a date yet but I'm challenging myself to begin a more concentrated physical training program so I'll have the proper muscles in good shape and so my cardiovascular system will keep those muscles well-nourished and my lungs at maximum capacity.

I've gotten some really good suggestions about proper training on some forums from some "Thru-Hikers" and I've also been corresponding with a couple of people from this area who are interested in going on some weekend day hikes at some mountain ranges in New Hampshire.

CHALLENGE #3:

I've been doing a lot of work this past year on a number of renovations to the house. Back in August of 2011 we posted this explaining that my grandparents (Gran and Papa) are giving me and my two brothers some of our inheritance while they're still alive. Since I'll be inheriting the house on my 21st birthday (less than 4 months from now) I need to step up some of the major renovations I promised them in exchange for a reduction in the rent we've been paying.

So I'm challenging myself to complete these major renovations before I turn 21. And in order to complete this challenge, I'm shopping for my very own pickup truck! I won't have to rely on my friends to help me haul lumber and other building materials. I'm frankly not at all interested in one of those Macho Muscle Monster trucks either. I'm being very practical and trying to get something that will help me accomplish my sole purpose in owning a truck, which is to haul lumber and building material. Once it's served it's purpose, I'll probably get rid of it.

So there you have it. My challenges to myself for 2013.

I decided to do a couple of things different this year as far as my resolutions for the new year are concerned.

The first thing that's different is I went back and reviewed the resolutions I made last year to see how I did. I've never done this before so my resolutions each year are completely detached from the previous year. It made me think there's no overall plan for why I do resolutions and it just made sense to try and connect everything and see if I can make this a more serious endeavor.

The second thing that's different is I'm changing words. I've realized more and more lately that there's a lot of power in words so I tried to come up with a new word that describes what I'm doing instead of using the exact same word everybody else uses. For me, the word "resolution" is used so much and seems to belong to other people. In other words, it's not my word. I want to try and use a word that I make "mine" so it feels like it belongs to me.

So let's get started here. In case you're interested, here's what I wrote last January about my resolutions: 2011 Resolutions.

How'd I do?

RESOLUTION Number One: Stop being hard on myself by always apologizing for being wordy and accept that my brain is sometimes a "word-producing" machine on speed.

This one is a funny thing. I think my writing style is really different now from what it was in the past. If you go back and read some of my posts in the past, including that link I gave above, I think I've really tightened things up.

Maybe just making the resolution did something, like make me more conscious of how I write. Plus, I think I've been forced to change how I write for my college classes. There seems to be pretty universal intolerance by professors for wordiness and rambling!

RESOLUTION Number Two: I'm going to stop whining about doing housework and somehow learn to "enjoy" it.

Well. You can read this post Brad wrote and see how my sweetie helped me with this. All I can say is I no longer "whine" about doing housework because of the looming reward afterwards, but inwardly I still absolutely do not "enjoy" being stuck in the house scrubbing, polishing, vacuuming, dusting, etc. I think I've accepted the fact that this is never going to change and I'm no longer interested in working to make it more enjoyable.

But because of that looming reward after it's done, I'm no longer "whining" and I seem to get my assigned chores done in record time which gives me time to help Brad complete his. Somehow I think he knew this would be how it would work! LOL. A win-win for us both!

RESOLUTION Number Three: Stop wasting time staring at my pleasure-reading TBR list and come up with a system to read more this year.

Well, I completely forgot about this one. It was something I didn't give one ounce of thought to after I wrote it down. I suppose this is an example of something I was thinking about in the moment but was not really giving a lot of serious thought to.

I've been doing a great deal of "pleasure reading" this year but my system now is that I've identified a small group of book reviewers (which includes my buddies Joyfully Jay and Tom Webb, aka A Bear on Books) and the opinion of a number of friends who share the same interest in the types of books I like.

MY GRADE FOR 2012:
I'm pleased with my three "resolutions" from this past year. It's been a long time since I apologized for being "too wordy" or "rambling." I'm not "whining" about doing housework anymore (at least not out loud.. lol). And I've lightened up about my TBR list.

NOW ON TO 2013:
So my next post will be about the new word I've come up with for my "resolutions" this year. It's a word I like because it relates back to some things in my childhood, which as you probably know, was a lot about dealing with my hyperactivity and ADHD -- oh, and dealing with how everybody else handled my ADHD!

Anyway, the word I picked is one I like a lot and makes working on "resolutions" a lot more enjoyable. It might not work for everyone, but it's a word that has a lot of positive meaning to me and it's a word I picked for me, so it's a word I take pride in. I'll explain it in Part 2, along with three new "resolutions" I made for this year.

I mentioned in my last post that Matty had organized a really nice birthday celebration.

He showered me with lots of smaller gifts during the day so I now have a couple of really nice sweaters for the winter, a new wool hat, a very colorful scarf to go with my new winter jacket, some sexy underwear, and a beautiful sterling silver necklace!

Then Matty took me out to dinner in the heart of downtown Boston. He had already said it was a "dress-up" restaurant, which is a huge deal for Matty since he almost never, ever leaves the house without his baseball cap!

I was a little worried when we walked out the door to leave and he's in his nice navy blue suit with his light blue and cream-colored tie... and his Red Sox cap! Not wanting to embarrass him (or me later), in a very polite voice I said something like, "Don't you have a Red Sox cap that's a bluish color?"

Without missing a beat, and flashing the sweetest smile, he said, "Aw, I'm not going to wear the cap inside. I wouldn't embarrass you like that."

So, whew! In all honesty I wouldn't have minded if he had worn it in. Being the gentleman he is (when the occasion calls for that), he would have taken it off before greeting the maître d. And without the cap on while we're in the car, I would have felt I was being kidnapped by some unknown bad person.

Well, being taken out to dinner for one's birthday is something that happens to a lot of people. But being taken to a restaurant where the Chef is an idol of mine is just icing on the cake! But wait. That's not all!

Before I get to the good part, I should say this is a Chef I've been following for a while now. Not in a stalking way, but she's a pretty well-known Chef and has been featured in local as well as national magazine and newspaper feature articles. I also recently got to see her interviewed on a television show. And I recorded it! (Is my "fanboy" showing!)

Oh, and get this. Her style of cooking is something that really interests me. I want to learn more about it because her approach is something I'd like to play around with and maybe develop my own unique variation of. I've tried to explain it to Matty without his eyes glazing over (LOL), but it's essentially taking some pretty traditional dishes and experimenting with combinations of spices and flavoring that aren't usually associated with those dishes. Anyway, it's something I feel inspired by.

So on to the big surprise! When Matty called the restaurant to make reservations, he explained that it was my birthday and I was currently in college but planned on going to culinary school to become a chef someday. And that I had been following Chef's professional career and was inspired by her cooking style. He said it would mean a lot to me if Chef could possibly stop by our table just to say hello.

Matty had already told me he was taking me to this particular restaurant, which that alone was enough to make the celebration very special. But he didn't tell me Chef had agreed to stop by our table to say hello! I'm such a fanboy of this chef that if he had told me this ahead of time, I probably would have hyperventilated and fainted the minute I stepped inside!

So while we're eating our main course, Chef walks to our table and says something like, "Hello, I'm Chef ___, and just wanted to wish someone named 'Bradley' a Happy Birthday." Thank all that is holy I didn't have a mouth full of food because I surely would have choked to death or spewed the food in my mouth all across the table, or worse yet, all over her!! And then fainted!

I didn't realize I was on my feet when I extended my hand and said, "Hi. I'm Bradley. Nice to meet you. And thank you."

She gestured for me to sit back down (Matty assures me I didn't come across as some dorky fanboy) and she asked about our dinner. How to you form an intelligent and coherent thought when your idol chef asks your opinion of their cooking? Without coming across as a punk fanboy?

Thank goodness I had already talked to Matty about what flavors I thought she used for our dishes but I didn't want to get into fanboy gushing, so I just said everything was perfect. THEN she said, "Matthew told me you were planning a culinary career. Here, let me give you my card. It's really nice to meet you both. And Happy Birthday again."

I think I said something appropriate in response. Matty assures me I just said, "Nice to meet you, too. Thanks again."

I've been on a fanboy cloud since Saturday night. And I have Chef's card!! Well, it's the restaurant's card, but it has Chef's name on it. That counts, right?

I was talking to a friend about whether I should follow-up with her. I thought just sending her a little "thank you" note might work, but then again I don't want her thinking I'm some kind of stalking fanboy -- the "fanboy" part is right but I don't want to do anything cheesy.

My friend said just a short note would be a nice gesture, and a good way to network, even though she's not going to remember me 5 or 10 years down the road. Unless..... maybe I could send her a note every month, and maybe call her occasionally, and go back to her restaurant frequently, and.... Nah. That's not fanboy excitement -- that's definitely just stalking! LOL!

So, I'm just sending her a short note and will leave it at that. But the card she gave me, the one which she touched with her very hand, is getting laminated and framed!! Am I a fanboy or what? ;)

Photo credit: creatingkoan.
creativecommons licenses

So, I'm really shy when I first meet somebody.

If I was to meet any of you at some kind of social event, I'd smile, say "hello," and wait to see if you were going to shake hands. Where things went from there would be in your court. It's not that I'm stuck-up or anything. I'm just really shy when I first meet somebody.

After maybe a few minutes of chatting I'd probably start getting comfortable and I'd be talking a little freerer. If we both felt comfortable with each other, I'd probably just be my "normal" self after a while. I'm really easy to talk to, it's just that it takes me a little longer to warm up at the beginning.

I've learned a lot about being less shy by watching Matty. He's a real extrovert but doesn't come across as overbearing. If you were to meet him at a social event, he'd have a really nice, warm smile on his face, and you'd think you had known him all your life. Very easy to talk to (as well as being easy on the eyes - lol!).

I think I took a big step in being a little less shy recently. One of the courses I'm taking this semester is called Introduction to Comparative Politics. During the very first class, the prof in this political science course kept using a lot of phrases that involved food metaphors. Chef Bradley thought for a minute he was in a culinary class.

When he was going over the syllabus he would mention how important it was for us to understand domestic politics in other countries. He said if we didn't understand these political systems, "...it would be a recipe for disaster."

He also talked about the many different political systems in the world and how we would "...look at the different ingredients in those systems."

Then we were going to discuss what happens inside a country when "...the temperature on the stove gets turned up too high."

There were other examples as he continued to drop a food metaphor about every five minutes.

Sitting next to me was a guy who had been chatting with me before the class started. When the class was over he looked at me and said, "I don't know about you but after all that talk about food, I'm starving."

I said, "Yeah. Maybe his day job is a Chef."

We chuckled and he told me he actually wanted to be a chef some day. I somehow managed to blurt out, "Really? Me too."

He told me his name was Tony and I found out he lives not too far from us! I told him the street we live on and he and his girlfriend have an apartment about 5 or 6 blocks from us!

I'm sure Tony had absolutely no clue how excited I was feeling inside! Was I actually making a friend? On the first day of school?

Nah. He's just being friendly. With his easy smile and outgoing manner, he probably has tons of friends. Why me? Am I just misreading this? Calm down. Just chill.

We exchanged phone numbers and he said maybe he and Carol, his girlfriend, could meet Matty and me for lunch.

Well, yesterday was our big lunch date. We met them at a local pizza joint and while Tony and I were bonding around our common interest in all things culinary, Matty and Carol were bonding around their love of basketball. It seems Carol played on her high school girls basketball team and Matty is going to introduce her to the guys he plays pickup basketball with in our neighborhood.

Tony and I could care less about basketball, other than the fact that our sweeties are both passionate about it. We talked about how we got interested in cooking professionally, the types of food we both enjoy, and some favorite chefs we follow.

Image courtesy of sportsclipart.com

The four of us really hit it off, so this Saturday morning Matty and Carol are playing basketball with some locals at a nearby park in the neighborhood, and Tony and I are going to be the Cheerleaders!

I told him we ought to bring some pom poms and he burst out laughing at that one. But guess what? He's game! Seriously. We're going shopping for pom poms! No lie! Not sure if City Sports carries them, but we'll find them somewhere. He's committed now! How fun is that?

Then later in the afternoon, Tony and I are meeting at their apartment to plan the menu for dinner we're serving the two basketeers that evening! Then we're off on a food shopping expedition to get everything we need. After that, we're heading over to Bradley's Bistro (aka, our dining room!). We agreed to call our Bistro by his name when he and Carol host at their apartment.

The thing to remember about people who are shy is that just telling them, "Don't be shy," doesn't work. At all. It's not something you can turn on and off like a switch. Matty has never put any pressure on me to be more sociable. The best thing he's ever done about my shyness is to tell me, "Just be yourself. Don't ever try to be something you're not. Plus, I think there's actually a certain cuteness about being shy."

How's that for turning something I've always seen as a shortcoming into a strength?

Oh, maybe when you visit the real Bradley's Bistro sometime in the future, the chef might come out to your table to see how you like the dinner. After he returns to the kitchen, maybe, just maybe, you might say to your dining guest, "What a nice personality Chef Bradley has!"

Some people already know this about me.

I like to collect different short "sayings" or "quotes" that help remind me of lessons I've learned about life, or lessons I still need to learn.

When Matty got that hate mail recently, we both tried to remember that the person sending it knows nothing about who we really are as people. He thinks he knows who we are, but it's really just something he made up in his mind.

When Matty received the hate mail, this person wasn't able to see that at the time, Matty didn't tell me anything about getting his message of hate. I had been having a really difficult day remembering some of the bad things that happened when I was growing up. Most of those memories were about people who hated themselves and then dumped their hate on me.

This person wasn't able to see the beauty of the man I love holding me while I was crying. He wasn't able to see that Matty made a decision to protect me from his hate while I was feeling vulnerable. There's some real beauty in that.

And this person hasn't been able to see how sending us his hate has in some unintended way made us stronger.

I'm still thrown when I realize how some people have lots of ugly things in their head that keep them from seeing the beauty in the world and other people. I'm actually beginning to believe Matty when he tells me there's some real beauty inside me. He tells me he sees it. Right now I can only see little bits of it.

But one thing is certain: I'm getting there. I am growing stronger.

Being Strong

I just wanted to give a quick update about my last post.

If you remember, I flagged the hateful message I received and filed a complaint with Goodreads "Headquarters."

I received the following message from Goodreads on Thursday night:

Hi Matt,

I just encountered the message you flagged in our flagged items queue. I'm truly sorry to hear about that. We strive to maintain an open and welcoming community here, so that type of conduct is not tolerated. We have revoked the member's librarian status and sent him a warning about his behavior on the site.

It's also worth noting that Goodreads librarians are volunteers (not employees), and their opinions are in no way representative of the opinions of the company.

If you receive any further mail like this, please feel free to flag the content or to email me directly here. I do hope this one upsetting incident doesn't prevent you from enjoying the site in the future.

I'm okay with their response. I'm trying very hard to make this whole experience one I can use to grow stronger and survive in a world with people like this.

It would be very easy for me hide and become a fearful person.

It would be very easy for me to be jaded and become a bitter person.

It would be very easy for me to be resentful and become an angry person.

INSTEAD....

I want to live my life with openness.

I want to live my life with compassion.

I want to live my life as a person who strives to "do unto others what I would have them do unto me."

There is too much hate in the world and I don't want to contribute to adding any more. Does that mean I'm a pushover? Not even by a long shot. You mess with me and the people I love and care for, I'm gonna stand firm and not budge one inch. I will not hesitate to show you what "fierce" is all about. Don't tempt me.

If you have hate you want to dump on me, you should look inside yourself and wonder why you hate yourself and others.

I only have time to try and become a better person and hopefully offer something to make this a better world -- for ALL.

Who Am I Becoming?

My counselor has this thing he does where he gets me to think about some of the ways I seem to be changing.

Since I've been in counseling I've gotten some new insights into why my life is the way it is, why I react the way I do to certain things, why I seem to have these really dark moods, and why my future seems different than it did a few months ago.

I told him last week I like some of the ways I'm changing. I don't get as panicky about new things, I seem to feel a little more confident about myself, I'm even starting to accept myself as being more femme that I originally wanted to be.

He asked me if there were some changes I didn't like. I had to really think about that one. What I came up with kind of surprised me. I told him even though I was changing in some good ways, it worried me that I had no clue where all these changes might be heading.

He asked why that concerned me.

"Well, what if I don't like what I find out about myself? What if I start changing into a horrible person?"

Know what his wise answer was?

"I think you have a hard time believing you're a worthwhile person."
I get these little glimpses every once in a while that maybe I am a worthwhile person. Maybe all these little insights I'm having are only leading to getting better acquainted with the person I already am but haven't fully discovered yet.

My Big Adventure

I was talking to a friend of my little brother (or as he would say, "younger brother") who is beginning the application process for college next year. He asked me for some advice about how to write his Personal Application Essay.

He showed me the guidelines for the Essay and it got me to thinking about "adventures."

Here are two of the guidelines one college gave for the Essay:

Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
Describe a character in fiction, a historical figure, or a creative work (as in art, music, science, etc.) that has had an influence on you, and explain that influence.

There were a couple of others, but it was the first one that really caught my eye. Like I said, it got me to thinking about "adventures" I've already had or "adventures" I want to have.

One of the biggest adventures I'm planning on having is hiking the entire Appalachian Trail. When I was thirteen, I got really interested in hiking, backpacking, and camping when my uncle and cousin included me on a three day, two-night "mini-adventure" through the small section of the Appalachian Trail that goes through Massachusetts.

To this day I still think about that mini-adventure. It felt like my uncle initiated us into a different world that had different rules. I remember being in awe of how unfamiliar and unpredictable that different world seemed.

You see, a lot of my early life was all about how to make my world familiar and predictable. Having ADHD meant I had people help me set up very predictable routines and schedules that would help me organize myself as well as organize my world.

Without those predictable routines and schedules, I have no doubt I would have failed miserably in school, had no friends, and might have ended up in serious trouble because of my impulsive behavior. The medication I took helped tremendously, but I still had to have help learning different behavioral strategies to manage things.

My little mini-adventure that long weekend when I was thirteen changed me in some profound ways. I wouldn't have been about to articulate this when I was thirteen. I probably said the weekend was "awesome" or "a lot of fun." But looking back now I can say with certainty that it changed me in some major ways.

My uncle talked to us about how to pay attention to all the different "rules" in this new world he had taken us to. Even though there was no chance we'd get lost, he spent time teaching us about the compass, how it worked, and how to use it in this new world we were in. It was almost like that compass was some magical instrument in a sci fi story. Something that our very survival depended on. If we lost that compass, we might be lost forever.

And even though there was a clearly marked and obvious trail to follow, for a thirteen-year-old boy who had only known a world that made sense if it looked a certain predictable way, this place could have been on another planet in another solar system in another galaxy. It was full of wonder and magic and danger and strange sounds (and lack of sounds).

One of the ways this mini-adventure changed me was discovering that I could actually slow myself down. I could slow my brain, my thoughts, my emotions, my fears, my excitement. Everything. I was so use to my brain being in control of everything, I had to learn how take control and make my brain follow my instructions.

I also learned that I had to sharpen my observation skills so I could actually figure out how things worked in this new world. There were certain plants you had to avoid because they had this power to give you a rash if you messed with them.

We also had to be aware of Black Bears, since we were in territory that included these beautiful but potentially dangerous animals. If we ran across one, there were certain ways you had to react. We were in their world. They had certain ways of doing things and you had to respect that.

Another lesson I learned was that I needed to be prepared to rely on myself. A big fear of mine then was I might get separated from them and would have to rely on myself to survive. I know now there was little chance of that happening, but at thirteen years old, all kinds of thoughts went through my head. I needed to be prepared for anything.

The major thing I discovered about myself that weekend was I wanted to learn about and explore as many of those different worlds as I could. It's been like a fire burning inside me ever since. Hence, my desire to hike this world called the Appalachian Trail.

I'm already in pretty good physical shape, but nothing like I need to be for this kind of adventure. So I'm working on a physical training schedule to become a seasoned hiker that will prepare me for a backpack containing up to 50 pounds of supplies and food, all day, every day. Not to mention all that's involved in getting my legs and cardiovascular system ready for a rugged hike.

And here's the kicker. I seriously want to do this hike alone. From the research I've done I know there will be hikers on the way. But I want to do a solo hike.

I'm really grateful for all the people along the way who have helped guide me through all the challenges of my ADHD. But now I need to have an adventure where it's just me. Maybe it's because I need to prove something to myself. Maybe it's because I need to learn more about myself. All I know right now is that I want this adventure. Or maybe "need" is the better word. This feels like an adventure I need to happen.

I'm sure I'll be writing more about this, so stay tuned.

So, what do you think? What Big Adventures have you been on? What Adventures do you want to have? What do they mean to you? What do they say about you? How would you answer that college Personal Application Essay I mentioned at the beginning?

Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

A Sweet Night

Yesterday we were talking to some friends of ours about first loves. We've written about it here a number of times but the two of us hadn't really talked about it much in a while.

There was one post we wrote about how there are no guarantees about whether a first love will eventually last long-term. It's just one of those things you take a risk on and try to stay focused on the present instead of worrying about how long the love will last.

It's hard not to worry, though.

So we were talking about it yesterday which was a really good thing, but it was also a little scary. Not every couple makes it long-term. They might have "true love" in the beginning and it might last for a while, but then various things happen that make one or both people question whether it's what they want for the long haul.

After Bradley and I were talking about our relationship for about a half-hour, we had this realization that we should maybe have this kind of talk more often. Not because there are any serious issues that threaten our future together, but because it's good to step out of our normal day-to-day life and routines to just say, "Where are we right now?"

Our talk started off with all the positive things we see in our relationship. Most of what we were telling each other was nothing new. It was all the usual things we often say to each other.

Then we started going in the direction of how things could be better. Things that maybe we hadn't actually stopped to think about in any great depth, or at least hadn't actually said to each other.

At first it was a little silly and we had some laughs. I swear my eyeballs have something wrong with them because when I walk in our bedroom, they never scan what's on the floor. I'm sure Bradley's eyeballs are in better shape than mine because his can always see my socks, underwear, and sneakers scattered around. That was one of the silly things that got discussed. If something like that can kill a relationship and the love that makes it work, then you're in more serious trouble than you thought.

But then we started going into more serious things. The things that really matter and need to be discussed. Things that can do serious damage to a relationship if they're not talked about and dealt with.

Things like Bradley's frustration with me when I go on and on and on about some funny joke I'm caught up in and can't seem to let it go while he's trying to be serious about something.

My frustration with him when I want to get out of the house and go do something fun with friends and he wants to stay home and veg out.

Yeah, I know. Neither of those examples are about things that can kill a relationship. But if they pile up along with other examples and never get talked about, well, then pretty soon something happens and everything comes rushing out all at once and you have a hard time sorting through what's happening. A real mess. We've been there. It's not easy to get to the bottom of things when that happens.

A couple of really good things came out of our talk last night. A few things we want to try doing that make us step out of our regular routine.

One of our close friends and his husband have Date Night every Wednesday. It's their time together and it's something they can always count on and look forward to. We're going to start doing this, too. Maybe go out to eat or go to a movie. Something just the two of us do together.

The other thing we agreed to do is have a regularly scheduled time to sit down and sorta review how things are going in our relationship. Things we appreciate about each other, things we see each other do that make us smile. And things we want to bring up that maybe bother us or want to talk about. Not in a bitchy way where we point out all the things the other one is doing we don't like. Not a gripe session where we just complain to each other, but things we've been thinking about that bother us so we can talk in a serious way about them.

Something really nice happened after our talk last night. It's a little hard to describe but the air felt lighter all around us. It felt similar to how things felt when we were first dating. You know, that feeling you have when you're all excited to be around each other. Like you're really paying attention to little small things the other one says. Like you're noticing how they smile, how they move through the room, how they steal a sweet glance at you when they think you're not noticing them and you give them a small smile back. Almost like you're falling in love all over.

We slept really good last night. It was one of those sleeps where you feel completely safe in each other's arms. Completely loved and cared for. A sweet night.

Growing Up, I Guess

I've been going back and forth about whether to post this or not. It's not an easy thing to talk about and I've discussed the whole thing with Matty about whether I should do this. He hasn't tried to influence me one way or the other, but has been incredibly helpful in going over the pros and cons. He also suggested that I write it all out and then decide if I wanted to post it. After I decided, he said I had a lot of courage and he was proud of me.

We haven't posted anything this week (except for some eye candy on Monday) and it's been a while since we wrote about anything terribly personal. I now think I'd like to share a little bit of what's been happening for two reasons. The first is that writing this has helped me get clear in my head about what I'm feeling, and the second is that I thought maybe it might be helpful somehow to somebody reading this who might be going through something similar.

I've written before about my relationship with my dad. We had a rocky relationship when I was a little kid going back as far as I can remember. I don't want to rehash everything I've already written but there's a post I titled My Dad and his Girly-Boy Son where there's a little more detail. There's one sentence in that post that's not true. I said that my dad had never been physically abusive to me when he had been drinking. At the time I wrote that I honestly didn't think his shoving me against the wall or slapping me was considered "abuse." Mainly because I felt like I provoked him and had a part in it.

When he was drinking he turned into somebody I didn't recognize and would say really nasty things. My mom and sister would stay out of his way when he got like that, but yours truly would start arguing with him and start calling him names, which only made things worse.

I would get in his face and start yelling at him, which got me shoved and pushed against the wall. A few times I wasn't quick enough on my feet, or maybe it was stubbornness, but I tried to stand my ground and I got slapped. I never saw it as "abuse" because I felt like if I had kept my mouth shut and just left the room, he might have calmed down. Instead, I felt like I had only made it worse.

Well, my dad finally stopped drinking and started going to A.A. and eventually our whole family started going to see this family counselor. The counseling really helped all of us and we got a lot of things out on the table. My dad and I even talked about times he use to make fun of me for being "girly" when I was a little kid and when he called me his "faggot son" when I came out to them.

He apologized for all that and he and I even saw the counselor by ourselves for maybe 4 or 5 sessions. I got the chance to say everything I was feeling and he took responsibility for what he said and how he acted. It was a major breakthrough in our relationship and we eventually started getting close. When Matt came into the picture, he welcomed him and things finally seemed like they were starting to work out.

At the beginning of this year, one of the Resolutions I made had to do with my dad. I said I was realizing that the family sessions we had really didn't solve all the feelings I was having about what happened. Here's what I wrote:

"So what's the problem? Well, for some reason, getting everything out in the open, telling each other how we really feel, and my dad apologizing, hasn't erased all the bad memories. They're still there and I wish they would go away and stop bothering me."

I'm pretty good at pushing those bad memories away so they don't bother me too much. Every now and then they come back, but I just get my mind on other things and life goes on. The problem is a couple of weeks ago they all came rushing back like one of those high-speed trains that go hundreds of miles an hour down the track. And I haven't been able to slow the train or push anything in the background.

We were visiting my family and I was talking about my decision to eventually go to culinary school after I finished college. I honestly can't remember all the details of the conversation or how it got to the point where my dad made a sarcastic remark about my plans. It took me totally off guard and at first I thought he was just joking or maybe was in a bad mood or something like that. Later in the afternoon when he and I were alone, I knew he wasn't joking.

He set up a college fund for me after I was born, which I guess is something other parents sometimes do. His plan was for me to use the money to get through college (minus any scholarships I might get) and to hopefully be able to pay for a master's degree after college.

He asked me if the culinary training would result in a master's degree and I told him it wouldn't. Some schools offer a master's degree but it's mainly for people who want to study "food science," something called "Human Resource Management in a Hospitality Setting," "Cost Control," etc. None of that is anything I'm interested in. Whatsoever. I want the basic diploma and certification as a Chef. Plus a master's degree takes longer and costs a ton of money. Regardless of that, I'm just not interested in it.

My dad said I would be on my own if I didn't get a master's degree. When he told me that I just listened. I mean, he had already said the deal had always been to help with a master's degree. I got a little confused because getting a basic diploma and certification would cost a hell of a lot less than a master's degree. But it's his money and it was pretty clear he had made up his mind.

Then he made a few more sarcastic remarks about my career choice (or in my mind, my career dream). Let me put it this way. The tone of his remarks was that a culinary career was not a "real" career. He's always hoped I would go into something similar to the kind of work he does. I guess he sees being a lawyer as "real" work and being a chef as something frivolous. I'm beginning to think he sees being a chef as nothing more that "just cooking," which I think in his mind is "women's work." Yeah, I'm beginning to see my dad as more chauvinistic than I thought.

I tried to explain that there were probably more males as professional chefs than women, but I guess when you're talking to somebody with a closed mind, you're wasting your time.

Before we dropped this so-called "conversation" we were having, he made some really vague comments about how maybe it was a "waste" of money for him to be paying for even my college education. I guess because there's no master's degree coming out of it when it's all over, maybe he was thinking my college degree was a "waste." I couldn't even talk about this any more with him, so I dropped it and Matty and I went home.

What's been happening with me after all this is what I mentioned earlier. There's been a high-speed train of emotions running at maximum speed in my mind. Memories of all the crap I've gone through in my life are on that high-speed train and I can't stop thinking about it. I haven't been able to make it go away and every day it's been getting worse.

By this time, I'm not even thinking about what got this high-speed train moving. By that I mean I've been going back and reliving all the bad stuff in the past. I can't stop thinking about it.

I've stayed home from school several times because I couldn't get out of bed. All I seem to want to do is sleep and for everybody to leave me alone. I sometime forget to eat and when I do I have to force myself to swallow and even than I have an upset stomach and get nauseous. I'm tired all the time in spite of all the sleep I get. When I'm awake I'm irritable and on edge, almost like I'm ready to snap or pick a fight. There's been a few times when my heart started pounding and I had trouble breathing. I had this feeling that something really bad was about to happen to me, but I couldn't pinpoint what that bad thing was. And the tears? It doesn't take much for me to just start crying. Sometimes I'm not even aware of thinking about anything and I start crying.

I've yelled at Matty a few times when he's tried to talk to me or give me reassurance or comfort, something I'm really ashamed of. I know he's been worried and when he makes a comment about how little I've been eating or my wanting to sleep all the time, I've gotten mad at him. We've been able to talk about it, and I've apologized, and things are a lot better between us now. I've been able to see that he's just been a ready target for a lot of stuff I feel towards my dad. We're better now and I have no idea how I would be getting through all this without him.

Well, all this has led me to a decision I made to call and get an appointment to see a therapist for myself. There's no way I'm ready to talk to my dad about all this. And I don't feel ready to even talk to him with a therapist present. Since all this has happened, he's not called me and I've not called him.

I'm just not able to pull myself out of this and things seem to be getting worse instead of better. I'm also beginning to wonder if maybe I've been sad or depressed or anxious most of my life and I've just been able to push it back.

Matty's done everything he can to help me with this. I could write a whole post describing how much he's helped me. I've talked to a couple of friends I trust, and they've been incredibly helpful and supportive. I could also write a whole post describing how helpful they've been to me.

The thing is, I don't want to risk bringing them down. So I called student health services on campus and talked to them about how I could see a therapist there. I have an appointment today at 3:00 pm for what they call an intake appointment. I'll be meeting with this woman to answer questions about why I want to begin counseling, and she's apparently going to be asking about my background and history and so forth. They already sent me this 25-page questionnaire with every question you can imagine, all the way from whether I've ever wet my bed, to my sex drive, to questions about suicide, to how I feel about God, and to whether I have pets. Then she said they will assign me somebody to talk to who they think would be a good match for me.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared shitless about this. I worry that talking about all this stuff will just make that high-speed emotional train go faster and will make things worse.

The friends I've talked to said it's normal to feel this but the whole purpose of therapy is to get to the bottom of things and work my feelings out, or learn ways to deal with my feelings and my past. I trust what they say and this is the main reason I haven't cancelled my appointment. I don't think I'd have the strength within me to do this without their support.

It scares me to open up to a stranger and talk about all this. I worry what they'll think of me. Will they think I'm some spoiled brat or some weak immature kid who's trying to act like an adult when he really just needs to "buck up" and quit feeling sorry for himself. Will they think I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill (an expression my dad use to make all the time).

A couple of my friends have said I probably have some kind of depression or anxiety and this recent thing with my dad just brought it all to the surface. I guess that's what I'll be talking about in therapy.

I've been wanting to think all this was just normal "growing up" stuff and I'd get through it on my own. But things aren't getting better with me... they're getting worse. I'm trying really hard to see asking for help as a sign that I'm "growing up," but the kind of growing up that will hopefully help me "be" grown up in the end.

I'm hopeful. At least I have that.

Starting College and Whether I Should Believe Matty

Well, the BIG DAY is finally here. I'm starting my first semester of college today so I guess you can imagine I might be feeling lots of different things.

Okay, since you asked, here's the "short list" of my feelings:

Excitement. This is a life-long dream of mine, even if "life-long" sounds a little strange to me since I'm just 19 years old, but still....
Nervous. I knew I was going to be nervous, but getting reassurance from Matty and some really close friends helped me keep my feet on the ground, even when I thought I was going to float away!
A little Sad. I had a hard time figuring out why I was feeling sad. The closest I can come to understanding this is that it means I'm leaving behind this "image" (this may not be the right word, but it's something like that) of me being a "kid" and sorta entering this whole new world of "adulthood." It's a good sad, but it's still there.
Proud of myself. Hmmmm, not sure that qualifies as a "feeling" but I'm sticking with it. I'm proud of myself for setting this as a goal of mine and working hard to make sure it comes true.
Hopeful. I feel like this is something important I'm doing to make a strong foundation for my future.

Now, I have to say something about the second half of the title of this post, that part about "Whether I Should Believe Matty."

He told me last week that there was one thing he never told me about starting college. He said he didn't want to freak me out. So naturally I start getting a little freaked because he was saying it in this really serious tone of voice.

He said every incoming Freshman class has to go through some kind of "initiation" because it's part of college tradition. He said each semester there's a theme and this semester the theme was "A Freshman Scrubbing."

Since we've been together, I have sorta learned by now when Matty's kidding and when he's being serious. I was about 40% sure he was just joking with me, but I've heard about things like college hazing and college pranks, so I thought maybe he might be telling the truth. Expecially since the theme kinda sounded like some kind of "hazing."

He said this theme, "A Freshman Scrubbing," had been used about 5 years ago with that new Freshman class and it was a big hit so they were using it again this semester. He said there was even a video made and asked me if I wanted to see it. Well, I thought if there was a video out there, maybe I should believe him more than just 40%. Maybe I should move that number up to about 60% or higher.

Well, here's the video he showed me. After watching it, you tell me whether I've sharpened my skills in knowing when he's joking or being serious!

Well, wish me luck on my first day. Oh, and I most certainly am not going to be washing any cars today!!!

Brad's Resolutions

I asked Matty to put up his Resolutions for the New Year first because I needed a little bit more time to write mine out. This was a lot harder for me than I originally thought but I think I have it now.

There are three main things I want to try and accomplish this year. I don't want to go into extra long details just yet because every time I think about them I get a little more emotional than I like. So I thought I'd just list them and give a short explanation about each one. I'll probably be writing more details later.

The first one is not really all that hard to write about but I still have this small uneasy feeling inside when I think about it. I've written a little bit about how I like to sometimes femme it up when I'm out in public. I've gotten more comfortable with this over the past year but for some reason it still makes me a little more self-conscious than I like.

I really like wearing a little eye-liner when I leave the house. I don't overdo it but I know people notice it because sometime I can see people staring at my eyes and kinda squinting a little bit. Nobody has ever hassled me about it or made any rude comments so maybe it's just in my head and I'm being too self-conscious.

I also like to wear nail polish and if I'm feeling a little bold, I might use something other than just the clear glossy stuff. Nothing like "fire-engine red" yet.

Then there are times when I like to wear something nobody can see, like some silky underwear. Even though nobody can see it, it still makes me feel good.

So the first resolution is that I'd like to get more comfortable with my feminine side so I won't be so self-conscious.

The second resolution is a lot harder to think about. I wrote a post a while back about my relationship with my dad. We never really had a good or close relationship when I was growing up, and when I was a little kid he would make comments about how I "acted like a girl." The way he would say it always made me feel like he was disgusted and I started feeling like something really bad was wrong with me.

When I came out to my family when I was fifteen, my dad called me his "faggot son." True, he had been drinking when he called me that, but still. When he wasn't drinking, he seemed like somebody else more decent. It was just when he was drinking that this whole other side would come out.

My dad stopped drinking about a year and a half ago and after some pretty intense family counseling, and my dad going to A. A., things are a lot better now. I'm actually very proud of him now. He was really honest during the family counseling (and it helped having this really cool counselor who didn't allow any bullshit!) and we both were able to talk openly and honestly about everything that happened.

I was really mistaken when I thought that once we got everything out in the open and cleared the air, we would have everything worked out. For the most part things are majorly better. He's accepted my being gay and apologized for the stuff he said in the past and I know and trust he's genuine about it. He loves Matty and calls us and visits us and I actually now think he's a pretty cool dad.

So what's the problem? Well, for some reason, getting everything out in the open, telling each other how we really feel, and my dad apologizing, hasn't erased all the bad memories. They're still there and I wish they would go away and stop bothering me. Which leads me to my second resolution for this year.

I want to tell my dad that every thing's not all worked out like I thought it was. I don't want any major drama over this. I just want to talk to him some more. I'm not sure all I want to say to him or exactly what I'm looking for, but I want to see if we can do some more talking. That family counselor said she would be glad for us to call her in the future if we needed her, so that might be a possibility, too. Or I might ask her if it would be better for me to talk to my own counselor. I don't know yet.

The third resolution may be the easiest one of all. At least that's what I'm telling myself. It has to do with my starting college this year.

I know I'm having all the normal fears about whether I'll be able to do the work and keep up with everything. I've accepted that and figure I'll be more confident as time goes by. If I'm being totally honest, which I am, the problem is that I'm being really immature to compare myself with how successful Matty has been. We've talked about this so this is not a surprise to Matty.

I did really good in high school so it's not like I think I'm incapable of doing college level work. I just have this insecure thing going on inside my head that says something like, "I have to prove to Matty that I'm as smart as he is, or he might think less of me." Something like that.

I was talking to a really good friend of mine the other day and he pointed out that I should not be making this a competition. The truth is that Matty is really smart and I worry I may not measure up to him. What my friend pointed out to me made me realize that there is no need for me to compare and compete with Matty.

Matty has reassured me he doesn't think about this the same way I do and said I'm going to do well in things he won't do as well in and vice versa. He said the only one either of us should be competing with is our own selves, meaning that we should each make the best effort we can and set our own individual goals and use that to try and do better. He said this is not a competition between the two of us and he hopes I'll still be proud of him for trying his best to do a good job in college, just like he will be proud of me for trying my best to do a good job.

So, my third resolution is to stop thinking I have to compete with anybody except myself and just make the best effort I can to study hard and do well.

Well, there you have it. I want to be more comfortable with my feminine side. I want to talk some more with my dad about our relationship. I want to do good in college and feel proud of myself for the effort I'm making and not compare myself with anybody but me.

At least I'm trying.

horney paper storms