Wedding

I woke up at 5.23 this morning, after drinking some green tea with dinner last night, the caffeine always affects me like that, either I can't get to sleep, or I wake up super-early the next morning. 
So I lay there and sent Ex some Reiki.  When I was doing it, I was there at our wedding, it was so moving. I just went back there, everything was so real, my dress, flowers, my dad, my nervousness, feeling that ring on my finger for the first time, seeing the love on Ex's face..
I think because I was talking about it the other day, how cheap our wedding was, and how I felt so undervalued. But this morning I didn't, I was reminded of the Presence in the room, how potent the energy was, how much I could feel 'God' for want of a better word. How right it all felt.
I cried and cried this morning. I was just praying for a miracle, feeling all the fear I have about contacting Ex again, and feeling so helpless to get past that. I really want to get in touch with him somehow, but something in me just won't let me do it yet.  That's ok, too, I also trust that there's something to that instinct that I should take notice of, but there's also a part of me that feels like I'm just being a chickenshit, and I should call him.

I feel so paradoxically stuck until we get in touch again and there's closure, and so much like now is not the right time. It's such an odd feeling.  

I almost stopped on the way into work this morning at a call box, just to hear his voice and hang up again. Almost. 

I got up at 6.30, did a bunch of things with that extra 15 minutes, cleaned and put out my hummingbird feeder, stood in the sunny bird-song-filled garden for 5 minutes, absorbing the sounds of the birds. My new garden's awesome.  I love it.
Today's a new day, isn't it?  Miracles can, and do, happen.