Hope

Dreaming all night. I remember being married to some gorgeous guy with dark curly hair and blue eyes, and realizing that we hadn't spoken in forever, and I had forgotten we were even married. I think he was even a rock star?  I was apologizing, feeling so sad and remorseful, and tenderly stroking his face, telling him I loved him.
We were on a bus, going past some people on the sidewalk, when I realized that the people were walking faster than the bus was moving. There was a guy walking a white dog on a leash that I remember vividly for some reason. (Same white dog that tried to bite my throat out in a dream a couple of months back? If it was, it had been tamed.)

So I guess I'm turning Ex into somebody else in my dreams now. It's a start.. Other faces are starting to appear.

 I face the hard slog to get through the next while, with the knowledge that Ex doesn't really want to be in touch with me any more. It's been almost a week now..  I think I can safely say he's not interested in contacting me.  

Thanks for nothing Steve.  I was doing ok, coping with it all, before it all got stirred back up again by his well-intentioned attempt at getting us talking.  The road to hell is paved with other peoples' good intentions sometimes. Bah.. I can't be mad at Steve though, he was trying to help.

 What do I do, try to 'stay positive, have faith' that somehow we will sort this one out and get to be friends again? Or just be realistic about the fucking facts here..  I just don't know.  I have a friend that I emailed in the week, and said to her, that my problem is, I believe in miracles. Sometimes that is a curse, as much as a blessing.
Is there a point at which one should give up hope? When is hope false?  I have never been able to give up hope. And I really don't know that that's such a healthy thing.  Is it denial? Is it pessimism to give up on that?   I just can't let myself feel the deep dark well of hurt that I would fall into if I ever gave up all hope on the situation, but right now, it seems pretty damn stupid and naive not to.

I keep finding astrological reasons not to give up hope, like the next full moon, like Mercury going direct, like Venus going into Gemini (my rising sign), etc.  All bullshit, probably.  

In other news, E and I got to the gym yesterday. I put in a good 15 minutes flat-out on the elliptical, and about the same on the treadmill, and about the same in the pool.  Broke out in a real sweat, I haven't done that in I don't know how long. That's not good, is it?  I need to do that 3 times a week! It felt pretty good to get there and do that, and realize that I have some stamina still. Having had a leg injury the last few years to deal with on top of all this, hasn't been any fun. I don't walk nearly as much as I used to. And E drives everywhere, too. You have to, where he lives. He lives in suburban condo-hell, miles away from anything except other condos, and shitty strip malls. I hate where he lives.   

He has a new gym, it's nicer, cleaner, much better than the last one, and closer to home, so we feel like going now! He has hired a personal trainer, and I think it was a shock to him, to find that he'd also put on 10lbs too, and it wasn't just me whining about it...
He apologized to me yesterday, about being an enabler, and he said he realized that yes, I have gained weight since we started dating, I'm not making it up.  Good, now maybe we can start to get a little healthier now we're both on board!!  It's so hard to do something big like lose weight for real, unless you have support.