Text

It's over.  I got a text from Steve this morning, saying that Ex isn't going to contact me. He didn't say why. Just that. "Hi sweetie, Ex is not going to contact you. I tried and it's over. I'm sorry it hurts.. It's time for you to take a deep breath and blow his memory out! Time to move on and forget him. Be strong and happy! :)"

Yeah, now I can be really happy Steve. 'Scuse me while I go celebrate that one, won't you.. 

I got what I prayed for, I guess. Well, it can't hurt any more than is has already, this last 2 years now.

The Mercury retrograde that ended last night, was exactly to the degree, on my Venus.

I am in shock. I feel numb.

Here's the email I just wrote my astrology mentor.  Can't wait to see what he comes back with..


***

Urgh.. I have a hole in my heart this morning..  Last week Ex’s friend Steve tried getting us talking, and they had a long chat on the phone apparently.  Steve is a well-meaning but slightly dense do-gooder. I didn’t ask him to do this. I knew in my heart the timing wasn’t right, but somehow I let him go ahead, hoping that something would change, and told him a few things I knew he would pass on to Ex.

Stupid idea, when Mercury was retrograde.  My own bloody fault..  I was on tenterhooks all last week, thinking Ex might actually call me.  

Anyway I got a text this morning from Steve, saying that Ex's not going to contact me, and that it’s over and I have to let go. No explanation, but maybe that’s good. I’m not sure I want to hear it. 

 How the fuck do you let go of somebody you spent a quarter of your life being intimate with?  I don’t think I can do this. I can’t tell you how sad I am… It hurts so badly. Even 2 years later..

When the hell am I going to move on and let go? When the hell am I going to get over this one??  My God, why does it hurt so much?

I just CANNOT shake the feeling that we’re still not done yet though. I don’t know what the fuck that’s about, why I can’t just be realistic and let go.  What will it take for me to fucking move on from this??   I want to hit myself in the head with a hammer, B, seriously..  “Wake up! Wake the fuck up!!”  Head and heart and gut are on 3 different pages.

I just don’t understand how you can abandon somebody so completely after all that time, and not even want to be friends?  Fuck that. 

How the hell did my life come off the rails so badly?  I feel like I’m living a life I don’t even recognize sometimes. 

I know. Mercury stopped bang on my Venus.  Nodes on my Asc/Dsc.  Venus on my Saturn. Saturn backing up to run my moon over, because it didn’t finish the job and put me out of my misery the first fucking time. 

Sorry, mass pity-party going on here this morning..   I am kind of laughing at myself, too, by the way, but wow, that knife to the heart is really sharp right now. 

But you know what’s amazing, is I’m actually ok, I think..  I think even in writing something of this to you, something in me just shifted a little.   Just wanted to let you know the latest drama to be played out upon the screen of my life. 

Why do I get so emotionally hooked into this shit? 

Is there anything in my chart to indicate that this isn’t the end of the story between us? 

***

He's always honest, when sometimes I don't want him to be.. But let's see. 

I was thinking (maybe because I'm mentally challenged and should be locked up), that I should email Ex, and say that I got a mysterious text from Steve today, what's all that about?  He apparently has contacted you, I didn't ask him to do that.. Will see what astrologer says about that.