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Business only

A little bit premature maybe, by about 10 days, but I wrote CEO this morning and asked him to let me know if he needed anything for his upcoming visit. Just that, a one-liner. Friendly. I hope not overly weird, but probably a little, so far ahead of the visit.
Probably better than a marriage proposal though. ;-)

I came to the conclusion last night, that it's entirely possible that I am partly crushing on him because there are no other hot guys in my life I am attracted to at the moment. He's the nearest target. Besides E, of course. I am starting to feel a little of the spark come back there, I think, as my crush wains a little. I mean, I haven't seen the guy in forever! I haven't actually seen him since June 1st. 2 months between visits, and 3 emails exchanged.  Not exactly a great sign of the romance of the decade, is it.   

S called last night, we spent about an hour on the phone. She is an attention-vacuum, sucks it up, loves to take up an hour of my time with nonsense about her own obsession du jour. But I guess that's what girlfriends do with each other. I gave her some straight talk I really should apply to myself. Reality, S, where is he now? In front of you? NO, then your 'relationship' with this guy is a fiction, something you're doing, holding on with your mind. Let go, live in the present reality that really is happening now. Hmm..
That reality is a cold rainy non-summer day in my office with my manager and accountant. It is not the hot dinner date at the expensive restaurant and the marriage proposal and declaration of undying love, that I have been fantasizing about.

My mom emailed me the other day, my Dad's brother has terminal cancer, and he was taken into hospital last Friday, with breathing difficulties, and put on antibiotics. He's ok, but I guess this is the start of the decline. My Dad doesn't tell me a thing, I think because he doesn't want to talk about it himself, rather than not wanting me to know.  My heart breaks for my Dad.  His brother is his best friend, too. They've always been close.  I might have to go spend some serious time at home with them soon. 

Just got my reply from CEO. "Thank you, but I won't be up until the 6th."  Short and impersonal. I am feeling a little stupid. Arghhh..  So what's new..
I wish I had more reason to interact with him. As an excuse for some interaction, that email sucked. Our jobs don't call for any interaction whatsoever, only very rarely. I guess that's a good thing, when seen from the perspective of normal consensus reality, and all the facts are considered.  Life just seems a little grey and hopeless this morning. It shouldn't, I now have Jupiter and Venus in my 1st house.

OK, no more emails to CEO. Business only.  Fuck, fuck, fuck. My heart hurts this morning.
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