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I am feeling a little despair tonight, thinking about the non-possibility of ever being CEO's lover..
I think I feel like I don't deserve him, he's way out of my league, I am not good enough, too fat, old, poor, unattractive, uneducated, (he has 3 degrees), etc, there's a lot of self-doubt that's surfacing here. He's the perfect reflection of it.

I can feel my dynamic with E, and how I don't feel that's the case, most of the time. E is a dumpy, overweight, plain guy, so I will never feel like I'm not good enough for him, you know? He is 'safe' in the way that he has been single forever, and I feel on some level, that he's just damn happy to be getting laid, so I don't feel like I have to feel insecure or under pressure to be perfect.
In reality, E is quite an astute and self-contained guy, so could at any moment decide he's had enough of me. It's a fake perception that I have of my place in his life, I think.  I need to be aware of that at all times, and not take my relationship with him for granted, or fantasize about men that are way out of my league, and who I would constantly feel insecure with anyhow.

I dont know what the fuck happened to my confidence, it flew out the window at some point a year or 3 ago, and hasn't returned.  Age and weight gain do not help.

I am PMSy and hormonal, I think.
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