Difficult weekend

I had quite a difficult weekend, for several reasons. 

Saturday, I went to a conference, and there was nobody there I knew, so I was feeling like a spare prick at a wedding all day. It was a good conference, but I am not always so good at being in places like that by myself, when everybody there is older/more experienced than me.  I always feel a little intimidated by the old guys in suits.
I wasn't wearing 'the uniform' that goes with that mindset, so nobody gave me the time of day.  The lectures I went to made up for it though. Very good. Worth the ticket price, even if I skipped some of the afternoon for a walk around town in the sunshine. 

Sunday was nice. E and I drove up the coast to go to the Puyallup Fair near Seattle.  Quite a drive, we set off a little late, and we didn't get there until about 3. It was fun but a little too much for me. It was a hot day, and very noisy, and I think I'd rather have gone to the coast and found a nice quiet beach somewhere.  A tiring drive home again, too.  But it was still a nice day. I got to pet some goats. 

I was just feeling so squirmy with E. So uncomfortable, I stayed there 2 nights, Saturday and last night, and just didn't want to be there. E snores, breathes through his nose really loudly, I didn't get a lot of sleep, and I have been noticing his bad morning breath lately.  Not sexy.
We had some sex on Sunday morning, and gave up half way, he couldn't keep it up, and I couldn't be bothered to try resurrecting his flagging and limp dick. Oh dear. 

I feel awful. I hope this is just a phase I'm going through. To make it worse, Saturday was E's birthday. I just felt so entirely disconnected and disinterested, and entirely guilty.  

Fuck, I DO love him. I do. I care about him a lot, he's a really, truly great guy, with a warm heart, and I'd be such an absolute asshole to hurt him.  I jsut can't keep this up though.  Neither could he, so maybe it's not so dire as I think, maybe it's getting a bit mutual, who knows.  Or he's picking up on my own ambivalence.  I don't know.

Had a long talk with astro mentor, he thinks by November, I will be living in my own home more, and losing some weight. Sounds like I won't be with E any more by then.  Sad...  But probably necessary.