Had a really bad CEO meltdown last night, as I was going to sleep. Sounds really dumb in daylight, but I just became convinced he's 'the one', and somehow all of this is going to work out. I know, what bullshit.. If he was, it would all come together, and it's not, is it?
I made the mistake of opening his Facebook page, which he hasn't updated in forever. Just seeing his photo sent me a bit off the edge.. My God, he's gorgeous... So, I sat and asked him for another dream.
The few tarot cards I also pulled last night would indicate that it's mutual, that was at least encouraging. Tarot doesn't usually lie, my cards will tell me when I'm deluding myself. Usually. Fuck, I don't know..
I'm not even sure any more that there is any such thing as 'the one' out there. That whole concept is suspect, in my mind, after my divorce. For 8+ years, I thought Ex was 'the one'. It's bullshit we tell ourselves. Maybe not in all cases, I know enough people that can say that they have met that special person. But in my case, I am growing increasingly cynical about the whole fucking concept...
The result was, I got a dream about Previous Master, who I have not had a dream about in a very long time. I was sleeping in his bed, which after his death, was set up like a shrine, and was a Holy Place. I wasn't supposed to be there.
(Fuck me. For real. CEO just called. Took me totally by surprise.. Ha. Wasn't expecting that..)
Anyway, ok, where was I? I was in previous Master's bed, not supposed to be there, hiding from his devotees, in case I got found out and thrown out of there! :) His devotees are such an uptight bunch of assholes, they wouldn't recognise real devotion if it came and punched their lights out..
He had an en suite pool, so I took a swim naked, and was scared they'd see me. It felt glorious though. Cool water.. I was in heaven.
Then along came Tina, the born again Christian I went to school with, who was forever trying to 'save' me. She took me for a drive, I didn't want to go!! I wanted to stay in Master's room, and float..
And so, that's what happened. I am being too moralistic about all this with myself, giving myself too much of a hard time, taking it all too seriously, I should just float in the love-zone and feel that Bliss that was previous Master's instruction, not all that other crap. What then can upset me? And what about that would CEO not be attracted to?
Great dream... Thank you, my Beloved Master, I miss you so badly.
That was the real gift, I feel connected to him again, my real Master, (not that fake fuck who I let screw my life up), like I haven't in a long while.
Ha, CFO keeps calling me this morning, I've had about 5 calls from him in the last hour. That makes me smile.
So, what the hell would I do if ANY of the things I think I want, the desires surfacing from my lizard-brain, actually come to pass? I would have to give up E. I am not sure I am ready for that, though that's a moot point, in reality, I doubt it will ever be a decision I have to actually make. Despite all the crap I write here about other men, I do love him.
Then horoscopes like this don't help..
A New Moon on September 15 combined with the tenacity of Saturn could solidify a friendship you've been nurturing. This could be the beginning of a full-fledged romantic affair when intense Pluto turns direct on September 18. The Full Moon of September 29 whispers that this new friend reciprocates your feelings.
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