He's sort of okay going to the grocery store when I ask him to pick up a few items we need. He gets to chat up some of the people working there who've gotten to know him, plus he's able to get in the store, do his business, and leave.
He doesn't particularly like going with me when I do our regular grocery shopping because I like taking my time and he's more of an "in and out" guy (I'm talking about shopping here folks, not what just popped in your head! LOL).
But shopping for clothes? Get him within a mile of the mall and he breaks out in a sweat, his eyes widen, he looks over at me with a sad panic face, and starts this quiet, low guttural sound that comes out something like, "Nnnnnnnnnnoooooooooooooo." You're witnessing a "Matty-whine." ;-)
I've learned to just ignore the whine, which is a little hard for me because there's a certain cuteness in how he does it.
His whining is more of a release of energy than anything else. He's learned there are certain things that just need to be done and that cute whine just makes me grin. He must have never learned how to make whininess work to his advantage. It just comes out adorable.
Then he'll change tactics and puff out his chest in an Alpha Male move. He tries to get a little worked up when he does this, not in an aggressive way because that's not in his nature with me. I just stare in his eyes for a few seconds and he settles down. All bark, no bite. Brad's gonna win. Let's move on.
So we had to wait to the last minute to do our "back-to-school" clothes shopping, but we finally went this past weekend. I knew he wouldn't take much time selecting what he needed because he always says, "I know my sizes so I just have to grab some pants and shirts and head to the cashier. Meet you in five minutes?" Sigh.
Needless to say, I use up five minutes just walking around getting oriented to how they lay out the clothes. I don't like to rush and there's actually something kind of relaxing to me about taking my time.
Maybe I worry too much about what people think, but I like to try on the pants, see if they fit just right, hold up some different shirts to see how they match, imagine what kind of impression or image I'm giving off, and then return to the shelves, put back the pants and shirts I didn't like, and find some new ones to try on.
Where's Matt during all this time? I know it's boring to just stand still outside the changing room while I'm mixing and matching and trying to decide what I like. I get that. So he usually takes off exploring the rest of the store to keep his mind occupied. He's been known to walk zombie-like into the bra section (curious about how Bra-llelujah sales are going! LOL), bath accessories (where he's trying out all the bath scales), baby clothes, and fine jewelry.
Since he doesn't have any interest in purchasing anything, he has to be careful not to look suspicious. One time store security started shadowing him and I guess they thought he was casing the joint!
So when he finished exploring all the different departments, he came back to the changing room, found me, and I asked his opinion on my selections thus far. I already knew what he was going to say. It's kind of a ritual we go through, I guess. "Yeah, I like that." "Mmm hmm, that looks good." "Yep. Nice."
I still wasn't finished so he said he was going in the mall to find some places to grab a snack and coffee for later. After that was accomplished, he took off to find all the electronic stores where they have new gadgets and tried a few.
After a while he needed a new kind of entertainment, so he found out where the televisions were and went to see if there was a sports game or to talk to the sales people about the advantages of Plasma vs LCD when it comes to HDTV. He loves that kind of detail.
Then he came and found me to let me know he'd be waiting for me in the Starbucks. I always make sure to pack his Kindle so he can read or watch a movie, and of course he has his cell phone so he can check emails and chat with friends. I returned to my shopping.
When I finally got everything I wanted, I met him at Starbucks and he got up and ordered my coffee just the way he knows I like it. In addition, I got treated to a surprise snack with a generous amount of chocolate.
We chatted for a while and then I took some of my new clothes out of the bags and showed him what I got. His eyes started glazing over after about two minutes, so I asked him what he bought (in his five-minute shopping spree).
"Can I show you when we get home? Have you finished your coffee?" That's my signal it's time to go.
"Are you tired?" I ask.
"I'm horny."
"What?"
"Shopping makes me horny."
"Shopping makes you horny?" I ask. This is a new one on me.
"Yeah. Just thinking about you taking off your clothes and picturing you in the changing room in just your underwear. Are you ready to go?"
I'm just staring at him with a slight grin.
"Need some help with your bags?" he says as he gets up.
"You got new underwear?"
"Yep. Wanna see me model it when we get home?"
"Let's go."
We made it home in record time but I didn't get to model it for him. We only got as far as the living room. And I only got as far as taking off the underwear I had on.
He was definitely right when he said shopping made him horny. In the future I might have an easier time convincing him to go clothes shopping with me.
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