Lunch meeting today. I got ignored, mostly. I could be imagining that. But it was kind of noticeable. There were one or 2 prolonged eye contacts, but nothing else. Not even a smile.
I feel stupidly and inexplicably tearful today, about CEO's definite lack of communication with me this visit. Despite my feeling like I was over my crush. I really was, am, but I am still feeling hurt. I know, I know, he's my boss, he has FAR more important things to do than flirt with the lowest paid admin staff. But, I swear, he had been, previously. It just feels really different this time. Could be I am just very inconveniently located for him now, but I didn't even get a quick call to say thanks for the fruit I left this morning, or the other small things I have done like order that special lunch he likes. That would have been nice. Nothing.
He's leaving in about an hour. Good. Go the fuck away. Leave me alone for 6 more weeks. I need to heal some more. Next time I will know what to expect, nothing at all. And that's ok. It really is. I just didn't decipher the mixed signals correctly before. They're not mixed this time, that's fine. I get the message, and it stings a little.
I will just have to try not to cry now, if he goes and doesn't say bye. At least in work. I know I am going to when I get home tonight, if not, on the way home.
Why do we feel disappointment when really, we already know what the deal is? It's not like I didn't know he's married. Although for a while there he said one thing and sent other signals.. Why do we continue to read what we want to read into situations like that? Is that what I was doing? Did he really send out mixed signals, or none at all. What drives that almost lemming-like need to hurl myself off emotional cliffs again and again?
Well, one more risk, one more attempt at relationship, one more time getting hurt, maybe this guy is 'the one'. What bullshit. I feel so jaded today, so cynical about all that. Not for other people, I know some people DO find true love, but me, at 42, and still unhappy, I have to say that 30 years on the lookout, a bunch of failed relationships and one marriage later, maybe that's all the evidence I need right there. It feels like a hard lesson to learn today.
Update: I blew it. CEO came over, he was on his cell, just finishing a call. He sat in the chair in the area across from me, and what did I do? I ran across the office to the front door, to collect the mail. When I got back, he was gone. I think he must have left the office on his way home by now.
What was I supposed to do, sit there like a fucking idiot, until he got off the fucking phone, in the hope that he would say something I wanted to hear?
I don't know, I think I was a little scared I would get tearful, perhaps.
One question the great master Adi Da Samraj apparently used to ask his devotees, "Are you avoiding relationship?" Yes. Most definitely. I was scared shitless.
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