Latest Movie :


Something I have noticed recently - especially since getting on Twitter - is just how many "friends" people have - and yet they are still very lonely and/or blatantly alone.

Social media is a double edge sword.  It's puts us in touch with so many more people than we could EVER hope to meet in our own daily life - and yet - it can also exacerbate the realisation that, for some, we are truly alone.

I had a chat with my best friend today, and he is considering going back to his home country.  I felt like I had been punched in the stomach with a jack hammer.  And yet, his reasoning is sound, and based on many things that are - in the long run - probably the best.

Also, there is this absolutely lovely man (who reminds me a lot of my best friend actually - the two have almost carbon copy personalities) who I talk to on a daily basis over the net and various apps and I have developed genuine feelings for, and he for me.

And yet - he is half a world away.

Interestingly enough, this situation has highlighted something - I am lonely and *feel* alone.

Now this is not a cry for help or a pity party - just a realisation.  Even living with my best friend, and my mother.  Even with this wonderful man (albeit from another country) who is clearly keen on me.  I feel alone.  And I feel lonely.

I must be, because a negative behaviour I had back during my un-medicated days of my Depression has reared its' head - I want to fuck anything and everything around me.  And I am consumed with porn.

This is not where I thought I would be at 40.

I thought I would have the husband - the house - the dog - the cat et al.  And I am living with my best friend (also my ex), my mother, in a rented home - and I feel completely alone.

I relish the interactions I have with others online.  Twitter et al.  And indeed, it is the only way I can converse with some of my lifelong friends.  And yet when the phone is put down and the computer is turned off..... I am alone.

My ex and I started as online buddies, then fell in love, lived with each other, loved each other, and then fell out of love for a multitude of reasons - and we were together for 10 years..  And it hurts like a knife being twisted slowly in my heart 24/7 - as I know it does for him.  We have always hoped we would get back together.  But sadly, it has not turned out that way.

I worry for him.  I worry for me.  And yet, the parting may be a necessity and could lead to a greater depth in our friendship.  But - we will both be alone still.  Together or apart.

I know some gay men who seem to have an ENDLESS supply of social contacts.  I look at their Facebook profiles.  Their Twitter photos.  And I wonder - are they alone?  Do they feel lonely? Is it just me?  Is it just him?  Although I don't believe it is.  I think many adults are far more lonely than they let on.  I think we are able to kid ourselves now because of the accessibility of "contact" on-line.  When we consciously acknowledge our loneliness, we hop online and get a "fix".  Have some laughs.  Chat about everything and nothing.  Then we log off.

And for me - that is when it hits.

I'm going to admit it.  I am lonely - alone - and only know I am because I have someone who has the balls to tell me - and also by reflecting on my own actions.

So............ not the usual Thursday post..... but I am interested to here your thoughts on this post.

Shalom and blessings to you all.

Share this article :

Post a Comment

Support : Copyright © 2011. horney paper storms - All Rights Reserved
Proudly powered by Blogger