Pauper

I'm going thrugh a lot at the moment.. Realizing all kinds of things about how I need to let go of my basic pattern of early childhood.

Invisible and hardly ever present dad, much loved, always sought, always chased, never all that responsive. As a result, I have always attracted guys who never chase me, are never very present or attentive, put that together with my high sex-drive, and I am always the one with the emotional disadvantage..

For 3 months now, I have been slowly torturing myself to death over A, and while there are plenty of reasons and justifications I can come up with, for his friendly, sweet, and polite but non-sexual reponse, and even what is genuinely our growing friendship, and it is growing, it's not the passionate response I want and need from a Lover. I want signs that I am worth persuing. I want wild flirtation. I want roses between the teeth, I want songs from below my balcony, I want to feel wanted, I want to feel like a Woman. I have let the obvious reasons, like my being married, and his being too unwilling to get involved on that basis, cloud my judgment, and have only been seeing what I want to see.
I don't have that from Husband, either, and realizing this these last few days has hurt a lot. I feel all kinds of shame, anger, and embarrassment about my needy behaviour.

Do either of them really want me? As I am? Or do they want to do what their own patterns demand? Social expectation, conditioned responses, not the responses of Lovers, crazy with desire...

A is going to visit family across the country for 2 weeks. I think this is my chance to let him go, and see if he comes back.

Something needs to change. I need to stop chasing. I need to let whoever wants me, come to me, even if that is neither of them. And that's a definite possibility, and a risk I will have to take, if I want to stop doing this, and stop negating myself as a woman. I am not a pauper, and I act like one all the time.

I need to risk all this, if I am to get what I need from my life, as a Woman.