I am just going to share what happened this morning by copying the email here. The elephant is out of the bag, or the cat is in the room, or, or.. Phew! I will keep you posted with A's response.
The names have been changed to protect the guilty.
A: Would you like to go out to a movie (I know there are a few theaters near you) or stay in on Friday? I could bring a few dvd's over.
Or something else, I'm not picky.
I have a question/concern: could my presence there, in this way, make Husband uncomfortable?
Me: Thanks for thinking about Husband. He's ok... I checked in about that. ~Unless you have wicked and dishonourable intentions.. ;-)
[Yes, my own damn fault.. Here's where wine and my twisted sense of humor doesn't help when answering email.]
A: My intention is to hang out with a friend and watch a movie and laugh. But there are some other factors at play here...one is our fondness of each other, [ah, that made me happy] and another is the influence of possible alcohol. Yet another is your unhappiness with the current state of your marriage. What are your intentions? Maybe it would be good for us to have a phone call about this topic. Clarify things... :-)
Me: Your timing is exceptional… Which isn’t really a surprise any more... I am finding out that none of this is unconnected, is it? Not at all.
I was just literally writing this to Friend when your email arrived, so decided to send you a copy, as I might as well have written you the same letter anyhow, as this is a big thing in my life right now, and yes, you’ve helped me feel this one a little deeper. Friend was asking me last weekend to hug him, and this terror just arose out of nowhere. He has a totally uncanny ability to bring these things to my attention, and pick up on my ‘stuff’, whatever needs to be moved beyond in the present moment, with total precision.
Phew, the "elephant in the room", hey? Hhmm.. Ok.. Let’s take this one head-on.. I am feeling my fear of taking the risk of sharing my feelings, but these fears are needing to be faced, I think. You’re right. And I feel safe, sharing with you.
I really don’t want you to feel uncomfortable being around me. I know I am in a vulnerable place in my life right now, and I hope I have been sensitive enough about that when I’ve been around you. Yes, I am very attracted to you, but I hope that’s something that hasn’t been a problem. I hope you would let me know if it was.
It isn’t a problem for me at all, I just enjoy being around you, I love your company, and nothing has to ‘happen’. Just because I feel that attraction to you, doesn’t mean anything ever has to be done about it. [I am such a God-damned liar.] It just is what it is, and my meditation practice has given me the means to get beyond that.
Hopefully my letter to Friend will clarify for you what my deeper intentions are. [Notice I'm denying nothing here about what my other intentions are... ;-) ]
And you, how do you feel about me? That’s something I’ve felt probably more comfortable not knowing, honestly, as one way or the other, ignorance is going to be easier to deal with. But maybe now is the time to ask, if you’re comfortable answering that. I don’t mind continuing to not know, either, if you’re not. Like I said, nothing has to happen.
My friendship with you isn’t dependent on that, as far as I’m concerned. The heart-connection is more important.
I don’t know where my life is going at the moment, a lot of things are up in the air, besides my relationship with Husband. But for now, you’re safe enough.. I won’t bite. ;-)
I have a few things to share also about a conversation I had with Husband a few months ago, when I realized how I felt about you. And about what Friend said about the whole thing, too.
Just come on over on Friday, and we can just enjoy hanging out, no matter where this particular conversation ends up. I think I’d feel more comfortable talking in person than on the phone, as there is more to be shared perhaps?
Love
*****
I wanted to write a note and confess my fear of real intimacy, with you, and with all my loved ones. I was feeling in the last week, after my visit to see you
I can say ‘I love you’ with no problem, and mean it, but there is a blockage, and I just cannot seem to follow the words with the action of touch and physical expression of that love. I feel that without the ability to move into physical expression, I stay on the surface with people, superficial and undemonstrated. I have so much love in me, and it’s so painful to keep it all in, and not feel able to express it through touch and affection.
This has come up a lot this week, in various of my relationships, and it has been shown to me that I have a real blockage and fear around this.
I feel very safe with you, that I won’t be abused, and as a woman, I can feel how vital this is, to my ability to actually bodily incarnate as Love itself. I confess though, I have a fear of you as an ‘other’, with all the associated fears of rejection, as I do with all apparent ‘others’, that stops my expressing my love, and that is the most painful thing of all. All I want is to give love, unconditionally, freely, and the receiving of it is becoming less important.
I’m asking the Divine for help in moving through this, and being able to live more from feeling than from my fear, so that you, and all my loved ones only feel my love, prior even to that feeling of there being a ‘separate other’, and that that is able to be expressed freely with everybody I love, all my heart-intimates.
I want no fear or limitation on the expression of that Love. Where is Enlightenment without that?
***
I dunno, is that all a bit over the top for most guys? All that girly hormonal stuff. Wine, and PMS, do me no favours.
Post a Comment