This is part of an email I wrote to Friend yesterday, about my use of masturbation to disengage the sense of 'other' and approach spiritual life independent of that need for a male other, which is so weakening in that conventionally, it can put women at such an 'assumed' disadvantage.
There is third alternative to sexual relationship or celibacy, and that is conscious masturbation.
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Last weekend, I noticed my attachment to mental imagery, I couldn't let go of mind, and feel like I didn't do a very good job of that. I spent the afternoon with A, and I was way too attached to him to really drop any of that. So all the romantic and erotic imagery and association came up pretty strongly. I could feel how it was very dependent on 'other'.
I was lying in bed reading, and spontaneously felt energy arising, which wasn't actually 'sexual' per se, although it began in the genital area. It was just free 'energy' and started to take my body over, moving upwards, with no imagery, no attachment, none of the usual erotic quality, and I understood what you have been pointing me to! It was also clearly described there in the book I was reading, and to have it demonstrated in my own body so instantly was such a Grace.
I can see how the attachment to the feeling of 'sex' literally aberrates that process!!
Having been attached my whole life, like we all are, I didn't want to see that. But I have seen it, and am willing to move beyond it. I was just the Goddess, mindless, infinite in that state, expanded, taken over bodily, feeling the energy move as it wanted to, and it was a sense of power and freedom from limitation, and to have had an orgasm under that circumstance would really have been a waste of the energy, so I just did my best to conduct the energy through my body without that. After a while it just faded away, no big fireworks, but it was very instructive.
The 'sexual' feeling is really a knot, a place in the body that we clamp down on that current of vital kundalini energy, and because it feels superficially pleasurable in the moment, so we perpetuate that aberration indefinitely, not realising the greater Ecstasy that is beyond it.
I have felt that energy arise numerous times before, but it has always been during sex with an other, never by myself. Such has beeen my conditioning from a very early age as a female, to assume that an other person, a male, is needed. The sexual response has always at some point, when that has happened, stopped being the case, and that has always freaked my lover out to hear it, but the truth of it is, that conventional sex isn't 'it' is it?? It dissolves and falls away. Even though that has always up until this last experience, appeared to be the case, that the 2 were linked, and 'sex' with an other was somehow necessary, by association. And that is false.
I have never experienced that by myself before, without the presence of an 'other'.
I am realizing as I write this, that as a baby when I felt that energy moving down and up and around through me, it wasn't sexual in that sense, and as soon as the sex-feeling became a part of it, at about 2 years old, was when the limitation on it began to happen! I can remember a kind of process of contraction, the body knotting up around the energy at that time, and instead, fear being what started to run my life more and more, instead of the simple enjoyment of that energy.
So much is being revealed. I feel like freedom from the parental trap of ordinary consciousness (or lack of), might well be possible, and responsibility for 'sexual yoga' is indeed a possibility for me, and I am so deeply humbled by that realization. Grace is everything. Without that I am nothing. I truly feel that to be the case.
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